Getting On With Tomorrow

For quite sometime now I have been really quite unhappy.

It has been due to a combination of many different things that have been building up over time.

I am not going to lie, I am depressed, something that I have suffered with before, but it is never the same. This time I am not sleeping well, but waking up in a relatively positive mood. But by lunchtime I am noticeably down, and it gets progressively worse. Unbeknown to my mother, I have once again completely lost my appetite, but I have been forcing myself to eat, which has just caused massive bloating. And to top it off, I constantly have my mother telling me to stand up straight, do my make up and put a front on to convince the world, and eventually myself, that everything is perfect. The opposite is occurring. I am the type of person who needs ride it out: be in a dark place until I am no longer.

I cannot say that today was that day, but I think it might be the start.

I read an article in The Guardian in the early hours of this morning. It was called 'Here's to Hogmanay - and the art of getting on with tomorrow' by Morven Crumlish. The content of the article itself was interesting, but it was the title that just stuck out for me. Those words: 'the art of getting on with tomorrow' just made me think. Think about all thats happened, all those things that have put me in this dark place, and how I might be able to solve them.

It just so happened that I was going up to London today for no reason, so I was going to have time on my hands. Originally, I was going to take some "arty" photos to continue with the photo challenge, but the light was just so poor. So I went and bought myself a notebook, sat in a coffee shop and just wrote it all down. Just doing that simple task helped me more than I thought, I had just to a point where I forgot that I like to be organised.

I have some very important decisions to make now, and need to talk to some influential people to help me make them. I want to be better again and to get back to the me that I have been working so hard on with the help of this blog and you reading it, spurring me on. And I've got about a month to get back to where I want to be.. going to be tough, and I'm going to need help from those who love me, but it will give me something to focus on, something to aim for.

This year I am not making resolutions, I am making decisions.

Merry Prime Gifting Period!

It has just entered the final hour of Christmas Eve.

I don't feel in the slightest bit Christmassy, which is a bit of a shame. There has just been so much that has happened in the last few weeks that means that I havent really had a chance to experience what I wrote about at the beginning of the month.. We only managed to decorate the tree today.

But anyway, I am hoping to have a good day tomorrow. Its just me, my ma and one of my brothers this year, but I'm sure that it will be lovely. Got the puzzle already started, some presents under the tree, photo challenge started and an abundance of food.

I'm trying to have a positive out look on things, but it is proving really hard. Don't think that the fact that I can't sleep for more than 3 hours is really helping. Its driving me crazy that I can't go to the gym and that I am going to be forcing myself to eat the amazing Christmas meal that is planned for tomorrow (I have no appetite, again). Just not in a good place right now, but hopefully I will be soon!

Enough of the dismal. I mainly wanted to write this post to say Merry Christmas to everyone. Thank you so much for reading my random collection of words, even if it is just an accidental glace. Every view means so much. I hope you all have a wonderful time however you spend your day, enjoying the feeling of togetherness that fills the air this time of year. 

All my love,

Amy

'There Ain't No Reason'

Well overall its been a somewhat bad past two weeks.
It started with receiving some news that provoked me into saying and doing something I was convinced was right, but now I look back after having said it and 'realised it' so suddenly, if in fact it is what I want or, in fact, is actually true. But there is nothing I can really do about it now. Just something that I have to live with and move on from.. Hoping that there really will be a silver lining to the rather sad, dark and painful cloud.
Then went out on the Wednesday of the same week, where I got my drink spiked. I have no memory of what happen after about 1am. All I do know is that I woke up in my bed with my one of my flat mates in it also and the other sleeping on the floor because they though I was going to choke on my own vomit. Lovely.
Friday I then went up to Edinburgh to see my Uncle and his family as an escape from it all and to spend some quality time with him. It was that night that it really all kicked off.
I woke up at 4am on saturday morning with a temperature of 38.7 degrees but was shivering and all my  muscles ached. I got taken to the doctors at 8, when they opened, and got told that I had the worst case of the flu the doctor has ever seen. All I can say is thank god I was with my Uncle and his family, as I was ill up to.... yesterday. Almost went into hospital after 4 days because I started throwing up any water I was  drinking...
It did mean that I missed my last week of term, which included a hand-in date which has now been pushed to the middle of the holidays )I have no idea how I am going to hand that in), and so I didn't get to go out with the people I wanted and see people that I havent seen since the start of term.
So it hasn't really been a great festive period so far.
I have come back to my home town tonight, where I thought I would have a job to tie me over, but they forgot to tell me they didn't need any casuals this holidays.
I dont know what to do.
They say bad things happen in threes, but I guess, when your on a roll, your on a roll.

'There Ain't No Reason' - Brett Dennon

That Time Of Year

Today is 1st of December. I love this date. Its the beginning of a really magical time of year for me.
I love the build up to Christmas, but not the day itself. The 25th is always filled with stress, bitter disappointment and, just generally, its a massive anticlimax.
The days before are always so happy. People hustling and bustling around, trying to make peoples dreams come true. Putting up decorations and the general feeling of warmth, comfort and love fills the air.
I love shopping in the dark, all wrapped up with the only lights coming from the shop windows and the christmas lights put up around the towns.
What really makes Christmas special is making mince pies and sausage rolls with my Ma. It is something that we do together every year. It one of those moments I long for for most of the year.
Unfortunately, this year is a little different as I have a lot of uni work to complete before I head back down south on the 17th. So at the moment, I am a little bit stressed, but that will only last for another week or so and I will be able to focus on the 'Christmas spirit'!
I also don't have a lot of money this year. I have only bought one present so far, and I intend to make the rest and really utilise my baking skills!
I think that New Years is also sorted, and that it will be as good as last year: beautiful simplicity.
I think that the reason why I love 'the season' so much is that it is celebrated all over the world, everyone having a good time, and getting stressed together. A sense of unity across the planet, where friends and families come together and share the celebrations.
Dont get me wrong though, I think that Christmas should only be celebrated in the month of December and NOT start in September.
I know that this post is erratic and a bit sad, but I am excited and craving to get my work done so I can really relish in the jolliness.
Its a happy time.

'Give me your hand and I'll hold it'

This weekend my father and his wife came up to see me. I haven't seen him for over a year and I dont know the last time I saw her.
I have been absolutely dreading the visit. I have always had a very rocky relationship with my father since I was old enough to realise what had happened between him and my mother, and I have never fully accept the fact that he has a new family and that they are now his priority.
However, this time I saw him it was completely different. I don't know why, but for the first time I found respect for him. I wouldn't say it was an absolute change of heart/mind, because the damage that has been done will take a lifetime to try and rectify. But I think it is because I am so much more mature that I could see that he was genuinely happy with his wife. That they really do love each other, and I respect that whole heartedly.
That was the good part of the visit. I found out that the rest of my family is even more messed up than I thought. And, once agin, I was kept in the dark. They really refuse to acknowledge that I am 20 and not 10. Every time they don't tell me something and I happen to find out by coincidence, it hurts. This whole perception that I need 'protecting from the trueth' is destroying my trust in the people that I should be able to. Its not protecting me, its doing the opposite.
Last night I felt completely alone. I wanted to tell someone, but for the first time I couldn't tell them because I felt ashamed (not sure why). I think that I could now, as I have digested it all, but the moment might have gone.
Today is a new day and, as always, I have just got to get on with it. If I stopped to dwell on everything that had happened I would never move on and would probably start going backwards! As I always say: Shit happens, life moves on.
I guess there is a positive from all this. Realising that my dad is happy now that he has found love has confirmed to me that love is a very precious gift. One I am very lucky to have.

'People Help The People' - Birdy

Food Issues

Since I got back from my week away (almost 3 weeks) I have had to plan all my meals and snacks because of having very little money. At first it was good knowing what I was eating, knowing what I had to buy, if anything, for that week.
However I have had the same foods over and over again. The lack of variation in my diet is really getting to me, and I can't do anything to change it until this weekend, and even then I have to plan all my meals again because it is only 3 weeks until I go home for Christmas.. Its just got totally ridiculous!
The thing is is that I find it really difficult not having control of what I am eating. Normally I would plan purely for that day to know what I was eating and when. It is a trait that worries my mother and all of my good friends because it is an anorexic tendency, but having lost all that weight, and gaining all that confidence (!), I just dont want to go back there and I fear that if I don't control what I eat that I will just get fat again.
I am in no denial that I have food issues because I do. I try to stick to having carbs once a day, I weigh out a lot of my food, I try and only have 2 snacks in a day..... I know it is not good, but habits are so hard to break.
I have gotten much better than I was. At my worst, about 2 years ago, I would eat less than 1000 calories a day, try and reduce it day by day, and if I didn't I would eat even less the next day to try and balance it out. It was easy to do as my mum was working all day and so wouldn't be there to watch me. I did get busted, which I am so grateful for, and I would NEVER go back there again.
I would love to have a massive bowl of pasta and not worry about it. Or go and get a takeaway without not eating much the next day, but I find it so hard. I sit in my house and look enviously at what my flat mate is eating without a care in the world.
There really are only a couple of people who I feel that I can let go with, but even then I will never loose all of the control.
I know that you might be reading this and thinking to yourself 'Just eat, its not that hard! Stop being so fussy....' But its not that simple. I really do try, and as you can see, I used to be a whole lot worse. I know that I have an alright figure and that I don't really need to worry about what I eat becasue I go to the gym on a regular basis, but I do. I always will, but not as much as I might do now/or have done.
I know that this post has taken a different direction to what it started out as, but I think that it important for me to say it and admit that I still have some definite issues of food.
This is not a trait of mine that I want to accept, this is something that I want to change.

My Apologies

I know that my posts have been some what boring of late. I can't really explain why, but I can guess that it because I am at uni and nothing really THAT exciting has happened.
And its not going to get any more exciting either.
If you are following me on Twitter, you would of seen me tweet (a lot) recently about the Assignments I have in at the end of term. I have 3, to be exact, and they are in for the 29th of this month and the 8th and 13th of next month. They are all HUGE. I have know about them since the start of term, and the largest of the 3 I could have been working on since then. But I haven't. I have left it all until I have only a month to do all of them. My own fault really.
Also, I spent a huge amount of money last week, too much to be disclosed, that I now can't afford to go out for the next 3 weeks. I guess this is good, because it means that I can work more effectively. But still. I do actually like having the small social life that I have! Makes me actually want my father to come and visit so he can take me food shopping...
However, I would not have spent any less last week. I had an amazing week, seeing old friends, making new ones and spending time with person that I love. Shame I was ill for the start really, but hey ho, can't have it all!!
I had an odd conversation with a good friend last night that threw me a bit. He asked me about my relationship with Him and I told him that we knew where we stood with each other and it was too hard to try and explain further, but our 'situation' was good. My friend then went on to say that guys don't like damaged goods and that the right person for me is just around the corner whilst reminding me that Uni is about finding myself. Right. Interesting. So I told him that actually I was really happy actually just being by myself and not having to worry about it. He then persisted that the right one was around the corner and that will be ok. He just didn't want to except the fact that I didn't want a boyfriend at the moment. In the end I just told him that if the right guy was just around the corner then he can stay there for the next few years (or something to that effect).
I really am happy being 'unattacted' and just enjoying being me. I honestly don't want a boyfriend. I'm all good.
So sorry again about the boringness and the lack of any drama, but I hope you understand why! But if something really exciting goes down, you lot will be the first to know.
Oh, if you havent tried it already, Brothers Toffee Apple Cider is EPIC. Just saying, and not promoting binge drinking in any way....

Song of the moment: 'Time' by Chase and Status.

And How Do You Feel About That?

Its been almost 4 months since I started my quest to become more comfortable in my own skin and to learn to 'love myself'.
So far I think that I am on the right track. I do feel more confident with who I am. I know that I am not all the way there yet, but I know that I can do it now.
I think the thing that has confirmed to me that I am on the right track is that I feel like other people are accepting me more and that I am just generally having a better time. I feel like I have a good friend basis and this is positively effecting everything. I'm feeling happier, which means that I am do more exercise and eating better. My uni work is also going alright, (although I really have so start doing some serious work..), and so uni isn't feeling like such a struggle and so, even though I still feel like I didn't choose the right place, I am making the most of the friends that I have the the opportunities it is giving me.
I also have realised that this new confidence is allowing me to be more comfortable around new people and therefore allowing me to have a better time, and make some new friends. Awkwardness can be a laugh, but I am not the awkward person that I used to be!
Me and Him are in a good place as well. We know where we stand with each other and with other people.
Yeah, so I feel good about everything, except for being ill and tired. It helps that I know that everyone I care about is behind me 100%, but I'm not doing it for them. I am doing this for me.
And I genuinely think that I can do it.

Jagerbombs, Cookies and a River

So it been a good week, I think!
Monday was pretty standerd: gym, lectures, go out. This time I went out with one of my corse friends and all her friends, who turn out to mostly be on the same corse as me... This gathering (a birthday) was combined with an army night out, which includes one of my best mates. So that was a nice surprise. To be honest, me and my corse friend got really quite drunk and I spent all my money on Jagerbombs. I remember the visual, just no audio. It was a good night.
Wednesday afternoons have now become baking afternoons. This week we made cookies. Lots of cookies. 40 to be exact, and that was only the mixture that made it to being actual cookies. They were amazing though, all chewy and the chocolate stayed slightly melted. However, when I left my friends house, the cookies that I took with me effectively got frozen outside. It is that cold up here. I can see my breathe when I am in bed sometimes. I really could have done with a human radiator that night!
I have also had a field trip this week. It was the most boring thing I have done. 9 hours of studying a rivers formation, features  and movements across the Northumberland landscape. The highlight of the day was chatting up one of the post-grads so that I could have a biscuit. It proved so successful I managed to get 3. As you can tell, I was thoroughly interested in the river... Don't think it helped that I had got drunk the night before and so only got 3 hours sleep. Oh well. Its only 5% of my total make for that module..
I have also got my reading week plans FINALLY sorted. Can't wait to head down South again, to the warm! Its also going to give me a break from the Toon so I wont go insane.
Overall, I am in good fettle and being positive. All seems to be going alright for the mo, and I hope to keep it this way!
I'm happy with who I am right now: me.

A New Week

Its Monday today. Going to the gym with one of my geography friends and then got lectures between 1pm and 4pm. This might seem all really unexciting, but after a weekend of being alone, bar a couple of hours, I just can't wait to get back into the world of social interaction.
You might be saying 'well why didn't you go and see people or go to the gym over the weekend?' Well, I had managed to pull a muscle in my thigh really badly, and therefore didn't want to push it. As for seeing my friends, they were all working or not in the Toon. This makes it quite hard to see them!
However, this alone time did mean that I could think things though and do some work. I half did my work, which means I am going to do a bit in my lecture. I have also decided that there is no point in wallowing, not in self pity mind, but just generally. Things could turn round for reading week: I might still go down, or go to Oxford and see one of my oldest friends, or I might just go home and get looked after by the Ma.
Also, one of my flat mates uncle died. This might not seem like a good thing, but it made me put the fact that mine is dying in prospective for me. I have to go and see him this turn, and in fact every term that he is still with us. It also made me think of the time that it is going to happen. I instantly knew what the first thing I would do is: call someone very important to me. I dont see this as a bad thing, just that they still mean a lot to me and I know that ultimately they would be there for me.
So I am generally more in control this week. I'm looking forward to going out with my mates a few nights this week (money permitting!) and I'm looking forward to my lectures... Strange. But there we have it! I AM going to make it to the gym a lot this week, still drunk or not. The only thing I'm not looking forward this week is the field trip I have on Saturday. Its going to be very cold.

Best album of all time: Friendly Fires.
I cant help but smile when I hear it.

The Very Few.

I have huge loyalties to people that I care about. These are the people that I love and trust. Unfortunately, they are small in number, as I hardly let anyone in, but they are people who are important to me now and always.
But sometimes I forget about the loyalties I have to them and therefore hurt them. I honestly don't mean to, but I am human and I am going to make mistakes. I am sorry for these things.
I do admit that I am naive and that I have a lot to learn in life. But I am willing to try.
You know who you are.
Know that I am always here for you because I want to be.
I wouldn't be me without you.

Coping?

I haven't really done all that much since my last post. Just been going about usual university life, except with a lot less going out.
I went to a house warming party on Saturday night. It started off a bit slow as people just stuck with their friends. This was until the alcohol started to be in full flow. I'm not going to lie, I did get quite drunk. It turned out to be a good night, een though I had the constant teasing of one of my course friends by my house mate... Turned it a little bit more exciting when another friend got involved and I had to defend myself that I didn't fancy this guy by out right offending him. This didn't really matter though and 4 of us walked home at about 2.30 in the morning. It was all good until my housemate decided to leave me and my course mate to 'bond'. Our version of bonding was stealing a sign from a bollard and him lugging it home to have cheese on toast. I had a a serious case of the giggles at this point and, to be honest, I was far too drunk. Just needed my bed.
That is probably the most exciting thing that has happened to me this week.
Oh, except for the fact that my reading week plans have fallen though. I would love to say I was surprised, but I am really not. Guess I knew it would happen and I think that that is why I kept putting off buying the tickets. Just didn't want to waste the money if I bought them too early.
All I want to do now is to go home to a warm house and be looked after. It sounds pathetic, but I just want a hug from someone who really cares about me, and I honestly don't know who that is any more. (Except from my ma!)

Swings and Roundabouts

This week has been my first week of 'lectures'. I don't know if I can really call them that because they have really just been introductions to each of the modules that I am doing this year.
This has posed a question: Why did I choose them?!?! What was I thinking? They are so DULL. The only module I am actually looking forward to is the one that starts in Semester 2, in January.
I am also already bored of hearing about how important the Dissertation is next year, how its worth double the amount of credits and how we have to choose something that we enjoy, but something that we can gather data/do research for in the summer, etc. WE KNOW.
This week is the easy week. Next week all my seminars and practicals kick off, which is going to be even more exciting.... Also means that I'm going to have to start doing work as I have an exam in just over 2 weeks and many assignments due in before Christmas.
One thing I can be grateful for is that I do actually get a reading week.. Plans are still up in the air for it at the moment, but I plan to do something or go somewhere.
Also I am actually having a good time still. Loving being with my friends and getting back into the gym on a regular basis. So really, all is well up here. Hoping to go out at the end of the week with everyone, funds permitted! (Didn't go out last night as expected, but not actually a bad thing as I did make my 9 o'clock)
One thing I have learnt since my last post: I shouldn't be allowed my phone when I am drunk...

Fate's Plans

I have always been a great believer in Fate. Whatever will be will be and that my life is planned out and all I have to do is live it. This could seem like quite a naive view on life, but it is mine.
This week was the week it all ended. I could write a really malicious blog post about it and turn myself in to a helpless victim, but I'm just not like that. Niether is this blog going to be a clever way to insult Him. Its just me telling it as I see it.
I'm not even hurt about how it happened or why, I am just a little bit sad and angry because it should of happened before either of us went back to uni if what was said is true.
Instead I am looking at it a different way. Fate obviously had/has a plan for me and Him. I now don't know what it is or when it should have happened. But it was not supposed to be now or what it was.
At the same time though, I am not going to waste this new 'freedom' that I have by waiting to see what is going to happen, if anything. I am just going to enjoy what I have: great friends, I'm at a good university and I'm in reasonable health (well after freshers week, this could be contested). If someone comes along, its just an added extra.
I am also now going to be completely honest with myself and how I feel about things and I think that is something we both need to do. It will not only save our own feelings, but also the feelings of others.
Its amazing how much I have learnt over the year, good and bad, and everything that I have has meant that I have become a hell of a lot stronger. I feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin and am realising that people love me for who I am and not what I could be.
I hope that we will be friends in the long run, even though right now I don't feel quite so optimistic! (Which is understandable!!)
But then again, who know what is going to happen in the future. What will be will be, right?

Song of the moment: Whats Left by 3 Doors Down.

Freshers No.2

A friend that I haven't heard from for some time has recently got in touch with me. It was a very welcome surprise on many levels. Firstly, it was good to hear from hear as I haven't heard from her in well over 4 years. Secondly it was about my blog, which is good as its always nice that there are people out there who are keeping up-to-date and following my progress. But finally, she pointed out something really important to me. She has shown me that my last few posts have had a negative vibe to them. I really don't intend to be negative, and I am not using this blog as a 'melancholy form of self-indulgence' (as she put it) at all! Therefore, I am sorry if the last few posts have seemed that way, and I hope that this one, and the rest to come, are going to positive and giving the self-acceptance vibe!

Meanwhile, I am now about halfway though Freshers week. At my university Freshers weeks is pretty much exclusive just for Freshers, therefore the 2nd and 3rd years can't get involved all that much unless you are part of Freshers crew.
At first I looked at this as a bad thing, that I would have nothing to do during he day and so they would just drag on. I was really desperate to get back into the routine of lectures and everything.
However, this view has changed. I have had a great time so far. The awkwardness has gone from the flat, (bought on by us all hanging collectively, lying on the floor of one of our rooms..). I have been out for most of the days due to having to do stuff in town and crashing Freshers Fair.
But, the nights out have definitely been the highlight so far. One night was a friends 21st, so we all went round to hers for pre-lash, where I saw more people I knew, more friends that I have. After drinks the rest of my flat went to the opening night of the recently refurbished dupstep club, and I went with everyone else to continue the birthday celebrations in my favourite club. To be honest, I have a very dodgy memory of that night. I seem to have the visual memory, but the only audio I can remember are 3 song that were played. But it was a good night, My Mackem friend and I shouldn't really be allowed out together because we just drink. A lot. However, it turned out that I wasn't with her, or even the birthday 'party', for most of the night because I spent the majority of it with my friends who are now in the 3rd year just having a good time before getting to bed at 6.
Last night was good as well. Still cam't remember everything. I do remember losing everyone on a regular basis and then finding them again only to loose them 5 minutes later. Saw the 3rd year lads again and tried to set up one of them with one of my friends, only to find out that she was already chatting up another lad. Typical.
I know its a bit random, but its just that I am really enjoying myself after all that doubt. I have realised how lucky I am to have a good lot of friends, who are in different groups so I am always meeting new people that could be new friends.
I have an induction lecture on Thursday at 10am and the 3rd year lads want me to go out tonight. I do want to, however I don't know how much money I have left or who else is going.. I think that if I do go out, I will have to persuade another girl to come with me, as I know from previous experience that crashing a lads night out gets very very messy...

Returning To The Cold

I got back yesterday evening.
When we actually got back into Newcastle, I felt optimistic. Just driving over the Tyne Bridge and though the centre of town, past the university, made me feel better.
However, when I got to the house it left me. I guess its because everyone else has been here for a month or more, but it was just a bit awkward.
I really did try to get included in everything that was going on, but it just didn't seem to be happening. I recon that being exhausted and full of flu didn't really help, but still.

So I gave up and went and unpacked all my stuff so that the Ma could take some of the bags back down with her. Not all the photos are up on my wall yet, but here it is:

Bit of a cupboard, but it'll do. It now looks like my room rather than an empty box.
Today has been a lot better. Been chilling with my flat mate and just having a general catch up. Later I am going over to see my mates who live 10 mins away.
Hopefully it will all seem better when everyone has settled down and the routine is back.
I said I will give it the term, and I am going to make the most of it!

Packing Up My Life

Today I have been getting all my stuff together in preparation for heading back up North this weekend.

Its sad to think that I can pack my life up into about 6 suitcases. Unfortunately I can not take all of it with me.

When we were looking for flats back in January, my flatmates decided that because I was the smallest person I had to have the smallest room. After a lot of contesting, I got nowhere and am now going to be living in a cupboard for the rest of the year. This means that I cannot take everything that I want. I can't take up anything that I would enjoy, including books (modern art book, the fashion book He gave me for Christmas, reading books or recipe books), CDs and I'm only taking 6 DVDs. 

The only thing that will actually make my room recognisable as mine will be the photos on my walls and the wooden animals He bought for my birthday.

It does upset me as I really don't have any space (surface or floor) and the desk is only big enough for my laptop to sit on it. (I will post a picture when I am moved in)

What annoys me more is the fact that my flatmate with the largest room (approx. 3 times the size of mine) isn't even going to uni this year AND isn't paying any more rent.. (I am paying less as the person with the next room size up has an ensuite). It infuriates me.

On the bright side though, I don't plan on spending much time in my house. I have a busy timetable this year with lots of group work and I am intending to join socials. Also, my closest friends are living no more than a 10 minute walk from me, so I can just go round and see them!

I'm not going to let the man get me down!

P.S. Sorry about the absence. I had a lot going on and needed to sort it all out. But I'm back, stronger than ever...

The Operation

Just thought I would break the silence briefly to let you know how the operation went.
After a sleepless night of worry dreams about it being changed, or I was late or something, I had to get up at 6am. This meant that I could have a drink of water before the cut of 6.30. Unfortunately I dont like water, so I had a fruit tea thinking that it would just be flavoured water.
When we got to the hospital it turned out that I would go in first. This made me very happy. I got into my gown, had all my checks (I dont know how the computer came up with my age as being 15 from a birthdate of 1991) and got my allergy bands on my wrist and ancle. The anaesthetist then came in to talk about the general anaesthetic. Turned out that that the fruit tea was a MASSIVE mistake. He got all worried that it had stimulated me in some way and so I got bumped down to 3rd on the list.
Seriously, fruit tea?? Its not like I had had a massive meal and coffee on top. Jeez.
Anyway, I went into theatre at about 10.30. It was a little bit intimidating as I walked in as there was about 7 people just standing there. I got onto the bed and made myself comfortable and tried to relax. It didn't really work. The anaesthetist came over and started hitting the back of my hand to find an appropriate vein. He then rubbed something over the back of my hand that I just presumed was a special anaesthetic because I am allergic to the normal cream they use. Turned out to be an anti-bac, and he just shoved the needle into my hand. It hurt so much. He then continued to pump chemicals into my body that sent shooting pains from my had al the way up my arm. He claimed that one of them was to make me relax. Bull shit. I have never felt more panicked in all my life.
Just before I went under I had tears rolling from my eyes. Sounds really pathetic, but I was scared of not waking up. They said they would look after me... Not really any comfort. He started to inject it. I felt it go up my arm. It was cold and then I started to taste it in my mouth and I was out 2 seconds later.
I came round at about 11.30. Only semi-conscious so I cant remember all that happened for the 3/4 of an hour after I woke up. I do remember waking up with a really itchy nose again, and this time I was allowed to take my oxygen mask of to itch it. The nurse I had looking after me was called Amy, and she was lovely. She asked me if I hurt, and I said only my hand did, which was odd. We then had the same conversations over and over again as I kept forgetting.
The surgen came over about 10 mins after I came round. She told me that the tag wasn't there to be removed. It had gone. She had a good look and couldn't find it. She then said that she checked the whole thing for any sign of why I was bleeding. But there was nothing. I cried. I was just so happy that my body isn't completely abnormal. She then went onto explain why I may bleed sometimes, which is all a little hazy, but I think that I get the general gist.
The rest of the day I was completely out of it and just looked very ill.
I didn't sleep well last night for no reason, and because I was so dehydrated I fell down the stairs this morning.
I'm not totally all there today. Still feel dizzy and generally look like shit. But only another 24 hours of being medically celibate. Who knows how long actually celibacy is going to last.

A Brief Absence

I thought that I would would just let you all know that I am okay.
Its been a though week overall, but I have come out alive.
I am not going to be posting for the next few weeks because I have some serious thinking to do and I need to sort some things out.
I will let you know how it goes (including the operation in a week) and tell all when I come out the other side!
This is not the end, but a pause for breath.

Going To The Mattresses Whilst Not Becoming A Mat

Another day with no word, but then again, it has only just started!
I should really go to the gym, but I'm not really feeling it. Probs best as well because my arse is still in a lot of pain.. If I don't go I will go tomorrow as I have promised my P.T that I will go 3 times a week before I see him in 3 weeks time. Also if I go tomorrow I will see him so that he can change some of the weights down as there is NO WAY I can/will be able to lift them!
I'm getting my hair cut at 12. Nothing drastic, just a trim as I am trying to grow it, but I feel that it has been long enough since the last one (4 months). I might also see if I can catch up with some mates for a drink..
It is important to carry on with everything. I miss him like crazy, but I understand and I don't want to put pressure on him because that will not end well. But I am not going to sit around moping and feeling sorry for myself because its just not going to get me anywhere, and its just not me anymore.
I hope that he is okay.

The Skates Have Arrived

Today is a new day and I've got a new positive outlook. Time is good and I am going to make the best of it. Old Amy is not returning ever again, just to let you know..

In the mean time my skates arrived this morning:

Aren't they beautiful?
Shame about the weather and the fact that I have to go to work.. But I have a day off tomorrow and the weather looks good enough for me to summon my courage and go out to fall over an enormous amount of times.
I will keep you updated on how many times I fall over!

Reverting Back

I realised that in the last week that I had reverted back to the girl I was when I started this blog. I have managed to put my relationship in jeopardy because of it.
I am disappointed with myself.
I guess that my only defence is that I have been lonely. I have had time to over think things that has ultimately caused me to make myself unhappy.
It has meant that I have put unnecessary pressure on the person I love.
To top things all off, this week has been one where everything happened all at once for the both of us, we both needed each other and we both couldn't there for one another.
It has been a massive lesson. One that I dont ever want to repeat. One that never should have happend.
I never want to go back there again. Its not me anymore.
I hope that we can get through it.

Half and Half

Well this weekend has been a mixture of emotions for me.
So after I posted my last blog entry I found out that He couldn't get his visa renewed unless he payed a ridiculous amount of money that he hadn't had to do before and that He was getting ill. I felt so useless and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't even be there for him.
I was working all of Saturday and Sunday, which wasn't very thrilling because it wasn't that busy, or if it was I didn't really notice. The evening weren't that brilliant either: just watching telly alone.. So I had a lot of thinking time.
I talked to Him on Sunday night, and I have never heard/seem him that low or unhappy. I just wanted to be there throughout the whole visa thing and I couldn't. It broke my heart that I couldn't be there for the person that I love. All I want is for him to be happy, and he wasn't.
Today was the day that He was going to sort it all out. It started off looking like that it wasn't going to get sorted and he would be coming home. I even had to look up flights that he could get if it wasn't sorted, and the soonest one would be thursday, and I started thinking about how I could rearrange work to meet him at the airport.
But he got it sorted. I have been saying that I was torn 50:50: half of me wanted him to stay and complete it and the other half wanted me to come home. I guess it wasn't half and half, but more like 10:90. I couldn't even hide the disappointment in my voice.
I feel so selfish by getting upset by it and wanting him not to get it sorted. I don't think I have ever thought anything so... self-centred. But I guess I've hit my 'wall'. With 31 days to go until he is back, I have hit the emotional 'missing him wall' which, just like any good marathon runner, I am going to have to break though and find the energy to keep going and telling myself that its only 31 days to go and we are more than halfway.
I know it has made things worse by me being by myself because I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. But I have to keep going and GET OVER IT. It's good he's out there, he is doing the most amazing thing and it's not like I'm not talking to him.
But its hard.
Really hard.

A Taste of Happiness

I have been very happy of late.
I went to work on tuesday, after forking out £200 to get my phone reconnected, and was in a very good mood. This is unusual for work working, but I was lovely and charming to everyone and the smile hardly left my face. I had a skype date after with my boyfriend (still weird) and the smile just got bigger. Although, I have to say that that night I missed him more than I have since he left for Africa.
Wednesday was another good day. Started off well with a good gym session, then doing the food shopping that was purely for me and then general shopping in the afternoon. I was got a lovely email from Him that made me feel like the luckiest girl (just) in the world.
Yesterday started a bit slow, but I posted His care box, and then had my pre op. I had the most lovely nurse. She was Irish and probably about 23. We actually had a bit of a giggle about my piercing and the fact that a simple snip and stich could take 45 mins. The most bizarre thing about my operation is that I'm not going to have a general anaesthetic, and am going to be sedated and have a local one instead. Surely that is practically the same??
Also met up with one of my mates from the Shop last night who said that he is going to come and help me defeat this alien (yes, I still haven't, fail).
So yeah, I am very happy and strangely confident. I feel like I am almost in control of my life, and it feels good.
If there was one thing to make this senario 'perfect', it would be having Him at home and being in his arms. But its only 4 weeks and 6 days till he is back, and, as they say, 'imperfection is perfection itself'...

Officially Getting Old

So I bet your wondering how the birthday went. (Actually, I'm sure your not, but here it is just in case:)
It didn't start off so well because I was still pissed off from the night before (I was so close to quitting) and Ma could tell, so she tried her best to cheer me up.. not that it really helped.
What did cheer me up though was the sight of my presents and my first ever birthday balloon! Ah, I was so excited even though I knew what all of them were. I just love opening presents. The anticipation and the pressure that I put on myself not to tear the paper, but to carefully open the package, all adds to the excitement for me. (God, I am sad).
I then talked to Him for an hour on Skype and opened his present to me that he had sent over especially. They are these beautiful hard carved wooden animals that were just perfect. It made my day talking to him.
Ma and I went up to the City to have lunch with my brothers after. There were no arguments or anything, which was a bit of a miracle! Just a nice lunch together.
Since then I have been spending the weekend with one of my best mates from uni, and 2 other of friends from up North, and we have had a lovely time having BBQs, a picnic in the park, seeing the sights etc. Really has been a good weekend away. The only think that wasn't perfect was Him not being there... But he will be for the next one.
I cant really contemplate going back to work tomorrow, but the new me doesn't quit, so I' just going to grin and bare it for the rest of the summer...
The money is worth it, right?

Almost Two Decades.

This will be my last post as a teenager. As of saturday, I turn 20.... I'm not looking forward to it because it  means that I will have to start becoming a proper adult soon, which is a little bit daunting.
Not a lot has happend since my last post unfortunately. All I have been doing is working and gyming.
Him and I text all day, from the moment we wake up to the moment one of us goes to bed. I know, its incredible sad, but we never run out of things to say and its a good substitute for him not actually being here (but he is back in 6 weeks and a day!) We are still really happy with our decision, and it feels so good and right for us to be together.
I have managed to book the weekend off so that I can have the best time possible when realising that I will be two decades old. On the day itself I am going to talk to him on skype, and open my present that he sent (he spent a small fortune so that it would arrive on time) in front of him. Then I am going up to London to have lunch with my family, hopefully without the drama that we usually have, and then spend a few days with some people from uni. So it should be good.
My confidence is on such a high, going to the gym regularly and the sun being out has made me feel so much better and in control. Also having the knowledge that even though He is over 40000 miles away, he is still there for me every step of the way, really makes me feel like I can accept myself for who I am.
It has been noted that I seem more confident than a month ago, and I plan to keep going up.
I know there is still a long way to go, but I am starting to realise that I'm not as bad as I thought I was.
Best keep this up!!

A New Development

So I was thinking about blogging the long winded version of the story: the conversation the other day, the doctors verdict, the surprise today and the brief uncertainty. But instead I thought I would just tell you:

Me and Him are going to give it a go. A proper relationship.

I know that there will be many skeptics out there. But I did go though everything with him, asking if it was just because He was lonely in Africa and that when He goes back to uni there will be all the freshers and saying that if there was any cheating (by either of us) that that would be it, for good. 

He said he had thought about it very carefully and took all of it into consideration and still wants to give it a go.

I'm so happy right now I ca't even put it into words. I really think that we can do it at uni. Its going to be hard, and we are both going to have to put effort in with visiting each other, but it will be worth it. We make each other so happy and I smile whenever he calls or I see him. I love him and He loves me.

Oh, on a less positive note, I went to the Doctors yesterday and I have to have an operation down below, which will take 4-6 weeks of healing time. No sex for me for another 2 months (the surgury isn't until the 5th of September)!! The tag could go away by the 5th, but knowing my wonky body, that is not going to happen! So I'm trying to think of the long term benefit, where it could become cancerous if it stays (although that is like a 5% chance) and I don't want cancer at all, let alone down there!

Even though thats probably too much information, there have only been those 2 things to happen in the last few days... Except for me loosing weight, which I am very happy about!

Got a comment about the strange sleeping patterns I've got into, and I want to say thank you so much and I will try your advice out tonight!

Keep the comments coming!

(YAY!!)

State of Recovery.

I woke up on friday morning with my hands and feet being swollen with red bumps all over them. I just presumed that some midges had gone on a crazy rampage. Ma wasn't convinced, so she marched me off to Boots to see what they said. The verdict was that it was an allergic reaction to something. However, there was one flaw in this logic: nothing has changed. The washing powder hasn't changed, the cleaning products haven't changed etc. So all very odd and I went off to work, where my hands and feet suffered tremendously and I was in pain by the end of it.

I then woke up the next morning and it had spread. It was now on my knees, elbows, thighs and lips. Baffled to what it could be, we went off to A&E. I now had stinging in my hands and feet and it was unbelievably uncomfortable to stand.. one weird allergic reaction.

The true verdict: a non-specific viral rash. Basically the doctor had no idea what it was or what to do, so she said that it would probably clear up within 7 days, but that work was out of the question. Great.

Well its cleared up a lot now. Still on my knees elbows and thighs, but much better overall, so I went to work yesterday. What I did realise though was that my hands are now very sensitive to heat.. Hopefully that will calm down.

But because my body seems to hate me, and most of my friends would agree and as one put it I'm 'wonky', I now have a cold coming on. Fun times.

I now have 3 days off and am already struggling with what to do. I have been to the gym, tidied my room, updating my blog, and I'm getting another piercing this afternoon. But what to do for the rest of it? I have texted my friends, no reply except from one who is in hospital.. and the rest are working or on holiday.. Looks like I really am going to have to get back to playing Red Faction, which is a shame when its so sunny outside. Why don't I have my skates already?

As for the self confidence thing, well even though I look like a Leper currently, I have had the confidence to talk to Him about next term, and to stand up to my boss about my pay. Also started running again because the foot is 100% better, and its making me feel in control.

Less than 2 weeks to go till the big 2-0.. becoming a proper adult is looming.. HELP!

Blips and Pieces.

I'm having a bit of a blip at the moment.
Haven't slept a full nights sleep in over a week now and its really starting to take its toll. I have lost my appetite almost completely, my skin is rubbish and I let a simple answer to a question get me so down that it ruined a conversation between me and Him.
But I think I know the cause to my stress: Work.
Ma and I wrote a list of everything that is making work so hard. It is ENORMOUS. Ranges from the lack of management to the increasingly difficult customers.
Its basically one vicious circle. I can't sleep because I'm worried and stressed about work, and when I get to work I'm too tired to let the little things bounce off me, hence making work more difficult.
ARGH.
So I need to get more sleep... that one is obvious, but I cant. I wake up about 10+ times in the night and it takes such a long time to get back to sleep. I know I could take sleeping pills, but I'm one of those really annoying people who don't believe in pills except for colds, the flu and pain relief.. Does anyone have any other suggestions?
So a momentary blip in my positivity, but one that I hope will be resolved soon so I can get back to being the 'new' me.

Seemingly Never Ending Positivity

Not much has really happened since my last post, except for the fact that I feel more and more positive and confident with everyday that comes.
I really don't know why, but I just feel... happy.
I have chosen the roller skates that I want (they are some proper vintage white ones that im going to put coloured laces into) and have even found a bike that I want to get for when I learn.
I saw Harry Potter when it came out on Friday. It was so good! I really recommend it to anyone, even if you don't like HP, just go and see it for the CGI - its the best I have seen in a while. However, I did cry in it which I am a bit embarrassed by.. Hopefully no one saw (which is a bit of a contradiction as I have just told the world...)
Also, Me and Him are the best we've ever been. I don't why, there is really no reason why we should be in such a good place, but we are. I really have faith in our relationship and I think that if we survive this 2 months apart (and there is not doubt in my mind that we wont) that we can get though anything.
There has only been a little downer on my mood since wednesday, and that was that work messed up my pay by either getting my hours wrong or by paying me under min. wage. Whatever it is, I am sorting it out tomorrow.
People have said that I appear more confident of late.
I hope that I can carry on and keep being this new and improved me!

Summer 2011 Part 2

I received my first comment the other day. I'm so pleased, which may sound odd if you read it, but its from someone who wants to help me and they asked a lot of good questions. I have been thinking about what they said very carefully, really taking everything on board and I want to reply in a way:

I have thought about its seriously. He does support me in this endeavour and knows that it is going to be a slow process. I'm not doing this for Him, and I think that it is important for me to say that as it could seem like I am. I really am doing this for myself, as it has been a major issue in my life ever since I can remember. He does bring out the best in me.. I want to do more stuff and try new things when I'm with Him. I feel more confident to talk and make friends when He's there. But even though He's helping me do this, He isn't here, so it is support from afar, and therefore He can't be 'moulding' me into what He wants because at the moment, every change that has occurred has been in my general attitude to life and in work. I really do appreciate your comment, and I have considered everything that you have said, and I think I will just watch out for any moulding in the future...

So He has come back and gone again. Massively sad that I only saw Him from a night, but I know that the next few months are going to be ok because we are going to be able to talk to each other. Therefore I need to get on with the rest of my summer, working away and seeing my friends.

I feel a lot more confident at the moment. I can't wait to get my skates and learn some tricks. I want to sort out my foot and go running again, and His best friend has offered to teach me to ride a bike whilst He is away.

This confidence might be because I know that we are in a really good place right now and we are working well together even though we have been and are so far apart from each other for the summer. I really truly believe that we can get though this summer and come out of it a stronger 'couple'.

It is also because I have learnt that I need to live my life and not just exist. I only get one shot at it, so I am going to make the most of it. I am going to conquer my fear of falling and get on with it.

I'm in a positive place right now and I intend to stay here for as long as I can!

Surviving.. Just.

So it has been the busiest weekend at work this weekend. On Friday I did a 9 hour shift (no break), Saturday a 11 and a half hour shift (40 min break) and today I work another 5 hours (20 min break). Oh, and to top it all off, the tills broke and so we have had to do everything manually. JOY.
I am knackered.
Probs didn't help that we all went out last night for the Sous Chef's birthday, and we all got very drunk.
So I have been working my socks off for the last 72 hours, and my body has paid the price. My feet are agony and I ran home last night in a drunken moment of inspiration, and pulled the ligament I strained. I am seriously dehydrated and haven't eaten nearly enough (although that could be seen as a bonus).
I'm not saying that last night wasn't fun, because it was. Out with all my friends, having a really good time and not caring about anything. But I paid the price today.. and almost shouted at a very obnoxious customer.
Something that surprised me the most is that this weekend was the most I have missed Him. I thought that working so hard, and just generally being really busy, I wouldn't have time to think about Him or miss Him. But I really did. I wanted Him to come and get me at the end of the shifts and hold me. I wanted Him to come out last night and be with me and my friends. I wanted to receive texts throughout the day that would make me smile (However, I did get one yesterday using up the last of his battery and Him telling me he loved me...). It's made me realise how much I love having Him around and how much I love Him.
Anyway, I have only one shift left (Tuesday) until I have a week off. So I might just recover!
Going back to the gym tomorrow and then plan to spend the rest of the day playing x-box (I have gotten stuck)...
I WILL DEFEAT THE ALIEN!!

Sunny Dispositions

Even though I haven't had a nights sleep with out nightmares for the last few days, overall I am happier than I have been in a while.
I don't know exactly why, but I feel like I'm back in control of my life, and therefore can concentrate on the exploration of my self confidence.
I went to the gym this morning, and don't worry, I didn't go on the running machine, I went on the cross trainer instead and did my ab work and weights. I'm going to repeat this until my foot heals and I can go running again. Might finally shift those few pounds that I have gained recently......
Its a month to my birthday now. It's not a particularly big one, but I have booked the weekend of it off just incase someone decides to throw me a party (not a hint btw, I'm honestly not that fussed). I had completely forgotten how close it was until the parent asked me what I wanted. No idea. SO had a look around and decided that a pair of rollar skates was the best thing. Why? Because they are AWESOME! The parent also suggested that she takes me away on a long weekend to one of the many European cities I want to go. I declined. Not because I don't want to go, but because I feel that for the next few years I want to go on holiday with my friends and not with my mother. Fair?
So I would say that after a blip, my confidence is back on the up and I am happy.
I'm sorting out my 2 shelves in the big wardrobe we have this afternoon. Who knows what I may find....

Turning Points

There is something that you all should know about me: I actually have a soundtrack to my life. I know it might seem cheesy, but I can match a song to a moment in my life perfectly. Don't know how this is relavent to my voyage of self discovery, but if I start using song lyrics to express myself, that is why. (Don't worry copy write people, they will be referenced).
Back to the blog.
I had a really good day yesterday. Think it was due to the fact that I had a good day at work, doing my job well and therefore feeling really good about myself. Also, Djokovic won Wimbledon, which was amazing. Made me realise that determination and perseverance really does pay off.
I went to the doctors this morning and had some bad news. I can't do any impact sport for another 10 days as I have pulled a ligament in my foot. Joy. But I'm going to ignore the doctors advice and give my foot another 3 days rest. I need to get out there and go running. Get my figure back. I wont be stopped!
I have had a slight confidence low recently. I'm finding it quite hard. He is on his Lad holiday, and we aren't actually together, there is nothing stopping him sleeping with other people. I know its the same when hes at university, but I think I'm finding harder because in the holidays He's mine... and so in my head, even though he is out of the country, He is still mine. I dont know if that makes sense or if I'm just being ridiculous and shouldn't feel like that. But I do and it sucks.
I've tried to overcome this feeling but playing an X-Box game that involves a lot of shooting, but it isn't really having the desired affect.
Then I find out that He is planning some big romantic surprise. And that turns everything upside down. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO????
I'm going to leave it. Sounds odd, but I have told him that I really don't want him to sleep with people out there... there is nothing else I can do.
I know this Blog seems a lot like its actually about my relationship between me and Him. But it is the biggest thing to happen to me, falling in love, and its never happend before. Every turn in the relationship is new to me, and so my confidence fluctuates as I go into every development blind.
I'm really trying to focus and keep myself busy.. guess I've got to try harder.
On a happier note, I do feel more confident overall. I feel that I can do anything that I put my mind to and that I might be able to say all those things that I need too soon.
I think these lyrics are what I need to strive for:
'I'm though accepting limits, 'Cause someone says thy're so. Some things I cannot change, But till I try, I'll never know' (Defying Gravity, Wicked the Musical.)

Changing Emotions

I believe my last post was on Sunday... I think a fair amount has happened since then.
I have basically been living with Him since then. It was a really good 4 days, just being together before he left for a 'Lads on Tour' holiday.
His friend came up on Wednesday afternoon due to their flight being at 6.50 this morning. I have to say I was a bit apprehensive about his arrival, not because I don't like him because I do, but because they are such good friends that I can feel like a third wheel around them. I also think its because they go to university together, so I can't join in with the stuff that they talk about. This 'fear' was realised at some point, and so I thought I would go and get a bit of space for a few moments to regroup. He came up stairs after 2 mins and we had the first petty argument that we had had since me starting this blog.
We bounced back from it though, and I manned-up and remembered that I have made this vow to become more self confident, so I realised that I should be joining in the conversation as much as I could, and not just sit there like a lemming.
Last night was horrible. I found out that I might not be seeing Him for that day between him returning from Serbia and going to Zambia for 2 months. That realisation hit me like a steam train. I think its different than when we are apart at uni because we can still talk whenever and see each other fairly easily. Plus, since we have both been home from university, I have only spent 4 nights by myself...
I promised myself that I wouldn't cry when he took me home, but I just couldn't hold it together. I have never felt so pathetic, but I am going to miss him so much: waking up next to him (nearly) every morning, the constant banter between us, the feeling of safety when I'm in his arms.. It is going to be hard.
But there is nothing I can do about it. So I'm going to change all the sadness that I feel and channel it into this project and into the gym, when my foot gets sorted out, my diet and seeing all my other friends.
I have promised Him that whilst he is away that I'm not going to take any shit from anyone. Lets see if I can do it.

Day 2 - The realisation

After I started it yesterday, I bought a book to help me with one area of my lack of self confidence. 'The Joy of Sex' isn't as cringey as you would think. I've only actually managed to read the intro, but its really interesting, and I already feel a bit more confident.
Also went to go and get measured, as, due to the pill, my boobs have grown. Well, actually one of my boobs have grown.. just another imperfection I am going to have to accept. But, now I know what size I am, I can go and buy some nice new underwear... Always makes a girl feel more sexy.
I told people at work about the blog.. they were all together impressed,  but my Supervisor made an attempt to encourage it (the sweetie), but I could tell he was struggling
I didn't tell Him about the blog, just thought he would see it though twitter, but he hadn't. So he stopped the car on the way to his to read it. When he finished he looked up and gave me the look. It makes it so much more worthwhile knowing that He is supporting me.... Feel like I actually can do it.
So I stayed the night at his last night and it was a good night....
Today, I have realised the huge task I am attempting. I have been looking a photos of me when I was fat, and I'm so happy that thats not me know.. Just have to accept this version of me, and be thankful for what I've got.
Oh Dear.

It begins

So here we are. The 21st June 2011. The day I turn my life around.
I guess you need to know some background.
I am a student who likes to live life as complicated as possible. Not intensionally, I might add, but thats just the way it seems to pan out.
Like quite a few people, I suffer from a huge lack of self confidence. It has always been a problem, as it has meant that I havent been able to accept myself, and has always tried to conform to what I thought that was 'acceptable'. But that was just my life. Never thinking I was good enough, stopping myself doing things in fear of rejection.
Then I fell in love. About a year ago I found this amazing guy that was so different to anyone before. He made me feel accepted.
It wasn't until recently, when he told me that my lack of self confidence was actually starting to get in the way of our relationship, that I realised how extreem my low self confidence actually was.
So now its time to change.
I'm not that fat ginger kid anymore, and so I have to stop living like I am.
I have to start believing in myself and my abilities. Gain that confidence that I crave.
I'm under no illusion that its going to be a piece of cake, but I am willing to try, not just for the Him, the guy that loves me and who I love, but for me. I need to become the person I'm meant to be and stop living my life for others.
I AM the leading lady of my own life.
Its now time to start living like it.