It has been due to a combination of many different things that have been building up over time.
I am not going to lie, I am depressed, something that I have suffered with before, but it is never the same. This time I am not sleeping well, but waking up in a relatively positive mood. But by lunchtime I am noticeably down, and it gets progressively worse. Unbeknown to my mother, I have once again completely lost my appetite, but I have been forcing myself to eat, which has just caused massive bloating. And to top it off, I constantly have my mother telling me to stand up straight, do my make up and put a front on to convince the world, and eventually myself, that everything is perfect. The opposite is occurring. I am the type of person who needs ride it out: be in a dark place until I am no longer.
I cannot say that today was that day, but I think it might be the start.
I read an article in The Guardian in the early hours of this morning. It was called 'Here's to Hogmanay - and the art of getting on with tomorrow' by Morven Crumlish. The content of the article itself was interesting, but it was the title that just stuck out for me. Those words: 'the art of getting on with tomorrow' just made me think. Think about all thats happened, all those things that have put me in this dark place, and how I might be able to solve them.
It just so happened that I was going up to London today for no reason, so I was going to have time on my hands. Originally, I was going to take some "arty" photos to continue with the photo challenge, but the light was just so poor. So I went and bought myself a notebook, sat in a coffee shop and just wrote it all down. Just doing that simple task helped me more than I thought, I had just to a point where I forgot that I like to be organised.
I have some very important decisions to make now, and need to talk to some influential people to help me make them. I want to be better again and to get back to the me that I have been working so hard on with the help of this blog and you reading it, spurring me on. And I've got about a month to get back to where I want to be.. going to be tough, and I'm going to need help from those who love me, but it will give me something to focus on, something to aim for.
This year I am not making resolutions, I am making decisions.