Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Thursday, 21 June 2012

The Finishing Post.

So thats the end.
One whole year of learning to accept myself for who I am has come to a close.
Although, I can't really say that it really has. I honestly think I will never stop learning to accept myself as myself.
I can't say that this resolution has changed my outlook on myself completely, as I am still frantically battling with myself about how I look, act, work, am.
However, I can say that I am now concerned about these things for me and not for how others perceive me. This might sound strange, but to give you an example, I am off on holiday next week with my boyfriend, his family and his brothers girlfriend. I am trying to look my best for the holiday as it is bikini one, and the brothers girlfriend is tall, blonde, skinny mini, and almost certainly will tan a beautiful golden brown. I want to get in shape because I want to look at pictures and think 'yeah, we have totally opposite body shapes etc., but we both look good'. I am genuinely not concerned what others will think when they see us in the same picture.
I am also more confident in my own abilities. I am a good baker, and have come to realise and own the fact that I am. This has meant that I am going to apple for the Great British Bake Off 2013, and I plan to start my own baking business when I finish University.
I am also confident in my academic ability. This was realised when I came out with Firsts in the assignments I did when I was depressed around Christmas.
I am confident in the fact that my amazing boyfriend loves me for who I am and not what I could be if I tried, as I am all that I can be, because I want to be the best version of myself. But I know that if/when I slip he will let me know and help me get back on track.
It was a struggle keeping going sometimes, I'm not going to lie. There has definitely been BIG bumps along the long and winding road. However, out of sheer determination and the support from family, friends, and most importantly, you the readers, that kept me going.
Thank you.
I have learnt so much about myself in this one year. However, I know that I have to keep on learning..!

(This is not the end of my blogging days. I am starting a new challenge: a baking challenge. I need to finalise the details, but as soon as I start I will post it on my twitter: @amybulger)

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

The Home Straight

So I havent posted in a few weeks, and I guess I don't really have an excuse.
Up to Thursday, I had been working on the write up from my trip to Morocco. It was a nightmare to write up as it just seemed never ending. I finally got it handed in though.
I also had been galavanting about a bit as well. I have been to Edinburgh to visit my uncle and I have been down to Plymouth twice as well. With all this travelling around the country, Ive actually only spent a short amount of time in Newcastle this term!
I am writing this on the train back up from the South, having spent a lovely weekend with my boyfriend for his birthday. Its just been so lovely, I am always 100 times happier when I am with him, but this time it was different. Yesterday marked the start of summer for me. The combination of sun, feeling warm outside and the feeling that everyone was slightly more relaxed, made this weekend very close to perfect. In fact, if it wasn't because of my exam next week, the need to go to the gym and to see the girlies, I doubt  I would have got on the train today.
It is also the final month of my years resolution to become more self acceptance. On critical reflection, I have not tried quite as hard as I should have done. I have discussed it with the man, and he agrees that when all that stuff happened just before Christmas, I retreated back, and havent quite been able to make up for it. In some ways, I have got worse, but I am talking to people to rectify those things.
However, I look upon this month as the last chance that I have to really go for it. When it comes to uni stuff I only have this one exam on the 30th, and then I move out of my current flat the next day. That weekend I also have the Jubilee flotilla, which will be hugely fun, but will also be long. Therefore I have ample time to really get to it. I am going to be going to the gym 4 times a week, in hope that I can carry it on though out the whole summer and might even start training for another long distance run. I am going to get back on top of my diet, so I dont feel like I have to do silly things to compensate for what I eat. I am going to go and and have supper with my new flatmates on Thursday and sign the contract, and I am going to cook supper for the Deloitte girls on Friday. I also need to get in contact with work and tell them when I am free, and then I need to decide what I am going to do about getting the ball rolling on my dissertation.
I am going to need to put in some serious effort to make this last month really count, but I am determined to do it!
Wish me luck!

P.S. I have also decided not to stop blogging after this year is up. After reading other blogs, I am going to do one more centred around my baking and its progression, but also with little posts of my everyday life to keep you all updated. So watch out!

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

May Day

I've been back in Uni for just over 2 weeks, and its all getting a little bit stressful.
Its 16 days until my write up for my Morocco field trip and I havent really done anything for it. The presentation we did the other week went surprisingly well considering we were told we had done it wrong at the time.
I spent the weekend at my dads, where I got set a baking challenge for the weekend. I was challenged to make choux buns, ice cream, grassini and macaroons. All bar the macaroons went well... we don't know how the macaroons went so wrong, but I guess all I need to do is practice!
This weekend I am off to Plymouth to go and visit my boyfriend (still a bit weird saying that)! I am so looking forward to it, even though I do have to work when I am there, but just to spend time with him will be bliss. We are also going to see The Avengers, which I am really excited about.
Being the 1st of May, it is 2 months until I go on holiday. Recently I have been bad about going to the gym, so I thought that this significant date would prompt me to getting back into it again. I want to be toned for my bikini!
Anyway, not much has been happening other than that.
Oh,  found a house for next year! I am living with an old friend and 2 of his friends in a gorgeous house, 2 mins from all my friends.
Its looking like everything is finally falling into place!

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Easter Baking

Just thought I would show you all what I made over easter:
Cheese Sables


 Easter Nests

Easter Chocolate Cupcakes

I had A LOT of fun!

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Start Of The End Of The Year

I am currently on the train heading back up to university for my final term of this year. Even though I have a lot of work to do this end, I'm not really that worried about it (although I'm sure that I will be soon).
Just the fact that I have only got 6 weeks left in this year, and I'm not going to be there for some of the time (3 long weekends), just makes me happy. Oh, and the fact that I am no longer single...!!
I have eaten far too much this holidays, but I think that it is wat my body needed. So now I just need to tone up for the summer so I look acceptable in a bikini!
I am in a good place now, and I think that my confidence is growing again.
I have realised that it is coming dangerously close to the end date of my endeavour for self acceptance. I'm not quite sure that I am ready for it to end, but the fact that it is is making me want to give it that final push.
So everything is on the up, or so it seems. Just need to keep it up!

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Spring is Here

Well I am back from Morocco. It was a really good trip: the country itself was amazing (really want to go back as a tourist), the people who went were a laugh and I have made some great friends, the team leader was as mad as a hatter, and the food was incredible. They only downers I can think of was that I got really ill at the end of the 10 days with a really bad fever and that looking a dipping bedding planes got boring after day 1.
I am now on my Easter holidays. So far I have spent it with Him, which was lovely: making fires in the woods, toasting marshmallows and drinking Crabbies. I am now at my dads for the days before the bank holiday weekend.
I don't intend to do any uni in the 10 days I have left of the holidays. This might turn out to be a mistake, but I don't really care. All I want to do is enjoy having some time off by spending time with my friends and family, eating copious amounts of chocolate and hot cross buns and do lots of baking.
I am in a much better place now and I intend to get even happier. I have even started to make plans for my birthday.
I love Spring. Full of new life, sun (sort of) and hope. Lets hope that this feeling continues for the start of the new term...!

Monday, 19 March 2012

Short and Sweet

So I know I havent posted in about 2 weeks now, but there really hasn't been much going on!
Just had the end of term, so that means that I had my DRP to hand in and therefore I getting that done. I also cooked for both sets of girls, which was lovely.
Apart from that there really hasn't been anything going on.
Except, I am going on my field trip to Morocco toady.. well I go to the airport in about an hour! I am a bit apprehensive really, as I don't think that its actually going to be fun.. but I am going with one of my best friends and we are going to try and make as much of a holiday out of it as possible.
Therefore, I promis that when I get back that I will write a long post about the trip, the good and the bad, and put up some pf the pictures that I take!
Wish me luck!

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

The Visit

Over the past 6 days He came to visit. It was lovely.
Even we didn't do that much, we still had a really good time.
We celebrated Valentines Day on Thursday by going to the Baltic Centre of Contemporary Art - not sure what I was expecting, but it was really interesting and exceeded my expectations. We then had an amazing supper at an Italian on the Quayside, that just topped off the day perfectly.
We explored Grainger Market properly and stumbled across a really quaint bookshop that was just perfectly quirky and full of all genres of literature. I can see myself spending a good few hours of a day in there in the future.
We also visited the Discovery Museum, that again was really interesting and its 'Science Maze' entertained us hugely, for a whole manor of reasons.
We didn't really venture out of Newcastle, which I think we should do on another visit. However, it made me realise what bits of the town I really love and it made me explore more of the city!
The best thing about the whole trip, except just spending all that time with him, was how well he got on with all my friends. It meant so much to me that we could just all hang out like we had known each other for years.
He left at 6 this morning and, I'm not going to lie, I wish he hadn't. But it is only about another 10 days till I see him again.
Thank you for an amazing time.
So, back to the daily grind of my current Uni life: gym, uni work, hanging out at the girls house. Got a big piece of work in at the end of next week that I want to finish by Monday so I can enjoy the last week of term, by that I mean: baking with the girls! (One track mind.. but I just love it!)
Then its Morocco in less that 2 weeks... not sure if I'm nervous excited, or just pain nervous..

Monday, 20 February 2012

An Unexpected Turn Of Events

It all went a bit tits up towards the end of the week.
I havent been eating properly, well very much at all, because I havent had my grant though from Student Finance, and my loan doesn't even cover my rent. Any money I had saved I used up last term, so I have had to cut down on spending just so I can pay for my rent, not including bills.
At the end of last week, I got very tired due to the lack of food and I have had a lot of work to do for Uni. I came home on Thursday night to find that someone in my flat had help themselves to half my milk. Normally I wouldn't care so much, like with my butter that has been steadily going down over the weeks, but the fact that I could afford to replace it meant that having half of it gone sent me over the edge.
I just broke down. The thing is is that the reason I havent got my grant is not because Student Finance is being slow, but because my mother just refuses to do the accounts that they need. I don't know if it is a control thing, but after many hints from me she refused to acknowledge how bad the situation had got. In the end I had to resort to getting my brother involved.
Consequently it has put a strain on my mothers and mines relationship and I am now not talking to her because I am just so angry. The fact that she called me up the following morning in tears, telling me she was a massive failure and she has pushed em away, really didn't help her.
So I have had a massive binge this weekend, stocked up my calories for the week ahead, and just done the thing that I enjoy the most: baking.
Dad and his wife posed some interesting questions to me and it really got me thinking. I have realised that I have not been living my life for myself. That has to change.
I am at uni for purely practical reasons, but I am not going to join a corporation like everyone expects me to. I want to bake. I want to do what I love, and I am good at it! Yes, I do want to live my life a certain way, and you do need a certain amount of money for it, but who says I'm not going to be successful? I could make that money by doing something I actually enjoy rather than sitting behind a desk all day.
Its time for change, and if people don't like it then they aren't worth it.
I AM the leading lady of my own life.

Monday, 13 February 2012

A Generic Update

Since I have been back, I have been trying to make the best of a bad situation.
This hasn't been as hard as I thought, as I now spend of of my time out the flat doing things.
I have met some new people that are helping me make sure that I have a plan for every week, and are just the nicest people in the world (I already feel like I owe them so much), and my course friends are also being massive stars and helping as much as they can.
He has been great as well. We are being really good at being there for each other and I am so excited for when he comes up in about 2 weeks!
Went to my dads this weekend, which was actually enjoyable. So much so, I am returning this coming weekend. I don't know if it is just the fact that I am getting fed good food and that it is warm, or if it is the combination of that and the fact that my dad is really making a effort for the first time that meant that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Don't be fooled though, I am still wary, but I am willing to give him a chance.
I am now staying in the North nest year, so the quest has started for a room to rent. Although, I have completely lost interest in my course, so finding the will power to od the work that I need to do at the moment (and is A LOT), is proving very tricky!
Tomorrow is Valentines Day. I'm not a big one for it really, but I have planned a small something for Him. Hope that you get a little bit of love tomorrow, even if its just from your mum!
So, things aren't as bad as they could be. I wouldn't say that I was happy, but I'm not in the place that I was 2/3 months ago.
Just need to keep myself busy...

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

The Secret Baker

Over the past few days I have made: mocha kisses, biscotti, chocolate wafers, marshmallows and a lemon meringue pie, and will be making an orange and white chocolate cake for my brothers birthday on friday.
I have a not so secret passion for baking and I'm actually really quite good at it. It could be said I have a talent.
It makes me wonder whether I should do it more seriously.
I have decided to enter a famous T.V. baking competition when it is next on, and hopefully I have the skills to be whittled down to the final 12(?) that get on telly.
I love baking. Its so precise that I get enormous satisfaction from it when it turns out well, even though I am my harshest critic.
There are so many more techniques I have to learn, like puff pastry, danish pastries, brandy snaps, bread.. But the thought doesn't terrify me, it excites me to no end, and I am confident that I can master them too!
I know it sounds sad, but I do genuinely love it, almost as mush as I love Him!
I hope those people who have managed to have some of this weeks creations already, and those who have some coming their way, that really enjoy them and that they tell me honestly what they think and how they can be improved.
Could it be said that I am a baking addict??

Sunday, 15 January 2012

The Getaway

This week I have been on 'holiday'. It has been absolutely amazing having complete freedom and it has been what I needed.
Unfortunately I am leaving tomorrow. Technically I don't have to, but I feel like don't have a choice, even though I am not ready to. Every time I think about leaving here and going home I go into a small state of panic, which is not a good sign. The only reason I am leaving is that I need to start talking to the people that will determine what I do next year, and I cant do that without guidance.
I am also feeling pressures from home, that is not really helping me.. Once again, I am not being recognised as the 20 year old I am.
But this week has been has been incredible. I love the coast and I actually feel more at home here than I do at home. I have been staying in a friends flat that is basically on the beach. Today the sun is shining and the surf is obviously good with the amount of surfers in the water, its just beautiful.
Here are some pictures I took this week (I will take some more today):

I wish I could stay.

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

My Current State of Affairs

I have recently had coffee with a friend who asked me a very good question. She asked me how I was doing since the summer, since the start of this blog.
I have been thinking about this quite carefully and I now think I can give a proper answer instead of the vague one I gave her at the time.
I depression got confirmed and 'diagnosed' by the doctor today. It is the same combination of things that I wrote about in my last post, I just now have an 'official' label for my unhappiness, even though I know that, with the right help, the light at the end of the tunnel isn't that far away.
However, even in this bad place, and all its symptoms, I still feel more confident in myself. I feel like I can ask for the help that I need from the people I need it from, even if they are proving a little reluctant, whereas previously I wouldn't have been able to.
The most important thing for me though, the thing that is a sure sign of my progress since June, is that I know that I will get better. I want to get better and get back to living and enjoying my life again.
I have already started making some decisions, and there are still some quite big ones to make, potentially life changing ones, but I feel that with more thinking time and input from others I can make them.
So I can say, that een with this low, I am, in general, still becoming more confident and self accepting as time goes on.
Just got to get over this small bump in the road..