Sunday, 27 November 2011

'Give me your hand and I'll hold it'

This weekend my father and his wife came up to see me. I haven't seen him for over a year and I dont know the last time I saw her.
I have been absolutely dreading the visit. I have always had a very rocky relationship with my father since I was old enough to realise what had happened between him and my mother, and I have never fully accept the fact that he has a new family and that they are now his priority.
However, this time I saw him it was completely different. I don't know why, but for the first time I found respect for him. I wouldn't say it was an absolute change of heart/mind, because the damage that has been done will take a lifetime to try and rectify. But I think it is because I am so much more mature that I could see that he was genuinely happy with his wife. That they really do love each other, and I respect that whole heartedly.
That was the good part of the visit. I found out that the rest of my family is even more messed up than I thought. And, once agin, I was kept in the dark. They really refuse to acknowledge that I am 20 and not 10. Every time they don't tell me something and I happen to find out by coincidence, it hurts. This whole perception that I need 'protecting from the trueth' is destroying my trust in the people that I should be able to. Its not protecting me, its doing the opposite.
Last night I felt completely alone. I wanted to tell someone, but for the first time I couldn't tell them because I felt ashamed (not sure why). I think that I could now, as I have digested it all, but the moment might have gone.
Today is a new day and, as always, I have just got to get on with it. If I stopped to dwell on everything that had happened I would never move on and would probably start going backwards! As I always say: Shit happens, life moves on.
I guess there is a positive from all this. Realising that my dad is happy now that he has found love has confirmed to me that love is a very precious gift. One I am very lucky to have.

'People Help The People' - Birdy

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Food Issues

Since I got back from my week away (almost 3 weeks) I have had to plan all my meals and snacks because of having very little money. At first it was good knowing what I was eating, knowing what I had to buy, if anything, for that week.
However I have had the same foods over and over again. The lack of variation in my diet is really getting to me, and I can't do anything to change it until this weekend, and even then I have to plan all my meals again because it is only 3 weeks until I go home for Christmas.. Its just got totally ridiculous!
The thing is is that I find it really difficult not having control of what I am eating. Normally I would plan purely for that day to know what I was eating and when. It is a trait that worries my mother and all of my good friends because it is an anorexic tendency, but having lost all that weight, and gaining all that confidence (!), I just dont want to go back there and I fear that if I don't control what I eat that I will just get fat again.
I am in no denial that I have food issues because I do. I try to stick to having carbs once a day, I weigh out a lot of my food, I try and only have 2 snacks in a day..... I know it is not good, but habits are so hard to break.
I have gotten much better than I was. At my worst, about 2 years ago, I would eat less than 1000 calories a day, try and reduce it day by day, and if I didn't I would eat even less the next day to try and balance it out. It was easy to do as my mum was working all day and so wouldn't be there to watch me. I did get busted, which I am so grateful for, and I would NEVER go back there again.
I would love to have a massive bowl of pasta and not worry about it. Or go and get a takeaway without not eating much the next day, but I find it so hard. I sit in my house and look enviously at what my flat mate is eating without a care in the world.
There really are only a couple of people who I feel that I can let go with, but even then I will never loose all of the control.
I know that you might be reading this and thinking to yourself 'Just eat, its not that hard! Stop being so fussy....' But its not that simple. I really do try, and as you can see, I used to be a whole lot worse. I know that I have an alright figure and that I don't really need to worry about what I eat becasue I go to the gym on a regular basis, but I do. I always will, but not as much as I might do now/or have done.
I know that this post has taken a different direction to what it started out as, but I think that it important for me to say it and admit that I still have some definite issues of food.
This is not a trait of mine that I want to accept, this is something that I want to change.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

My Apologies

I know that my posts have been some what boring of late. I can't really explain why, but I can guess that it because I am at uni and nothing really THAT exciting has happened.
And its not going to get any more exciting either.
If you are following me on Twitter, you would of seen me tweet (a lot) recently about the Assignments I have in at the end of term. I have 3, to be exact, and they are in for the 29th of this month and the 8th and 13th of next month. They are all HUGE. I have know about them since the start of term, and the largest of the 3 I could have been working on since then. But I haven't. I have left it all until I have only a month to do all of them. My own fault really.
Also, I spent a huge amount of money last week, too much to be disclosed, that I now can't afford to go out for the next 3 weeks. I guess this is good, because it means that I can work more effectively. But still. I do actually like having the small social life that I have! Makes me actually want my father to come and visit so he can take me food shopping...
However, I would not have spent any less last week. I had an amazing week, seeing old friends, making new ones and spending time with person that I love. Shame I was ill for the start really, but hey ho, can't have it all!!
I had an odd conversation with a good friend last night that threw me a bit. He asked me about my relationship with Him and I told him that we knew where we stood with each other and it was too hard to try and explain further, but our 'situation' was good. My friend then went on to say that guys don't like damaged goods and that the right person for me is just around the corner whilst reminding me that Uni is about finding myself. Right. Interesting. So I told him that actually I was really happy actually just being by myself and not having to worry about it. He then persisted that the right one was around the corner and that will be ok. He just didn't want to except the fact that I didn't want a boyfriend at the moment. In the end I just told him that if the right guy was just around the corner then he can stay there for the next few years (or something to that effect).
I really am happy being 'unattacted' and just enjoying being me. I honestly don't want a boyfriend. I'm all good.
So sorry again about the boringness and the lack of any drama, but I hope you understand why! But if something really exciting goes down, you lot will be the first to know.
Oh, if you havent tried it already, Brothers Toffee Apple Cider is EPIC. Just saying, and not promoting binge drinking in any way....

Song of the moment: 'Time' by Chase and Status.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

And How Do You Feel About That?

Its been almost 4 months since I started my quest to become more comfortable in my own skin and to learn to 'love myself'.
So far I think that I am on the right track. I do feel more confident with who I am. I know that I am not all the way there yet, but I know that I can do it now.
I think the thing that has confirmed to me that I am on the right track is that I feel like other people are accepting me more and that I am just generally having a better time. I feel like I have a good friend basis and this is positively effecting everything. I'm feeling happier, which means that I am do more exercise and eating better. My uni work is also going alright, (although I really have so start doing some serious work..), and so uni isn't feeling like such a struggle and so, even though I still feel like I didn't choose the right place, I am making the most of the friends that I have the the opportunities it is giving me.
I also have realised that this new confidence is allowing me to be more comfortable around new people and therefore allowing me to have a better time, and make some new friends. Awkwardness can be a laugh, but I am not the awkward person that I used to be!
Me and Him are in a good place as well. We know where we stand with each other and with other people.
Yeah, so I feel good about everything, except for being ill and tired. It helps that I know that everyone I care about is behind me 100%, but I'm not doing it for them. I am doing this for me.
And I genuinely think that I can do it.