I thought that I would would just let you all know that I am okay.
Its been a though week overall, but I have come out alive.
I am not going to be posting for the next few weeks because I have some serious thinking to do and I need to sort some things out.
I will let you know how it goes (including the operation in a week) and tell all when I come out the other side!
This is not the end, but a pause for breath.
Monday 29 August 2011
Wednesday 24 August 2011
Going To The Mattresses Whilst Not Becoming A Mat
Another day with no word, but then again, it has only just started!
I should really go to the gym, but I'm not really feeling it. Probs best as well because my arse is still in a lot of pain.. If I don't go I will go tomorrow as I have promised my P.T that I will go 3 times a week before I see him in 3 weeks time. Also if I go tomorrow I will see him so that he can change some of the weights down as there is NO WAY I can/will be able to lift them!
I'm getting my hair cut at 12. Nothing drastic, just a trim as I am trying to grow it, but I feel that it has been long enough since the last one (4 months). I might also see if I can catch up with some mates for a drink..
It is important to carry on with everything. I miss him like crazy, but I understand and I don't want to put pressure on him because that will not end well. But I am not going to sit around moping and feeling sorry for myself because its just not going to get me anywhere, and its just not me anymore.
I hope that he is okay.
I should really go to the gym, but I'm not really feeling it. Probs best as well because my arse is still in a lot of pain.. If I don't go I will go tomorrow as I have promised my P.T that I will go 3 times a week before I see him in 3 weeks time. Also if I go tomorrow I will see him so that he can change some of the weights down as there is NO WAY I can/will be able to lift them!
I'm getting my hair cut at 12. Nothing drastic, just a trim as I am trying to grow it, but I feel that it has been long enough since the last one (4 months). I might also see if I can catch up with some mates for a drink..
It is important to carry on with everything. I miss him like crazy, but I understand and I don't want to put pressure on him because that will not end well. But I am not going to sit around moping and feeling sorry for myself because its just not going to get me anywhere, and its just not me anymore.
I hope that he is okay.
Tuesday 23 August 2011
The Skates Have Arrived
Today is a new day and I've got a new positive outlook. Time is good and I am going to make the best of it. Old Amy is not returning ever again, just to let you know..
In the mean time my skates arrived this morning:
Shame about the weather and the fact that I have to go to work.. But I have a day off tomorrow and the weather looks good enough for me to summon my courage and go out to fall over an enormous amount of times.
I will keep you updated on how many times I fall over!
Monday 22 August 2011
Reverting Back
I realised that in the last week that I had reverted back to the girl I was when I started this blog. I have managed to put my relationship in jeopardy because of it.
I am disappointed with myself.
I guess that my only defence is that I have been lonely. I have had time to over think things that has ultimately caused me to make myself unhappy.
It has meant that I have put unnecessary pressure on the person I love.
To top things all off, this week has been one where everything happened all at once for the both of us, we both needed each other and we both couldn't there for one another.
It has been a massive lesson. One that I dont ever want to repeat. One that never should have happend.
I never want to go back there again. Its not me anymore.
I hope that we can get through it.
I am disappointed with myself.
I guess that my only defence is that I have been lonely. I have had time to over think things that has ultimately caused me to make myself unhappy.
It has meant that I have put unnecessary pressure on the person I love.
To top things all off, this week has been one where everything happened all at once for the both of us, we both needed each other and we both couldn't there for one another.
It has been a massive lesson. One that I dont ever want to repeat. One that never should have happend.
I never want to go back there again. Its not me anymore.
I hope that we can get through it.
Monday 15 August 2011
Half and Half
Well this weekend has been a mixture of emotions for me.
So after I posted my last blog entry I found out that He couldn't get his visa renewed unless he payed a ridiculous amount of money that he hadn't had to do before and that He was getting ill. I felt so useless and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't even be there for him.
I was working all of Saturday and Sunday, which wasn't very thrilling because it wasn't that busy, or if it was I didn't really notice. The evening weren't that brilliant either: just watching telly alone.. So I had a lot of thinking time.
I talked to Him on Sunday night, and I have never heard/seem him that low or unhappy. I just wanted to be there throughout the whole visa thing and I couldn't. It broke my heart that I couldn't be there for the person that I love. All I want is for him to be happy, and he wasn't.
Today was the day that He was going to sort it all out. It started off looking like that it wasn't going to get sorted and he would be coming home. I even had to look up flights that he could get if it wasn't sorted, and the soonest one would be thursday, and I started thinking about how I could rearrange work to meet him at the airport.
But he got it sorted. I have been saying that I was torn 50:50: half of me wanted him to stay and complete it and the other half wanted me to come home. I guess it wasn't half and half, but more like 10:90. I couldn't even hide the disappointment in my voice.
I feel so selfish by getting upset by it and wanting him not to get it sorted. I don't think I have ever thought anything so... self-centred. But I guess I've hit my 'wall'. With 31 days to go until he is back, I have hit the emotional 'missing him wall' which, just like any good marathon runner, I am going to have to break though and find the energy to keep going and telling myself that its only 31 days to go and we are more than halfway.
I know it has made things worse by me being by myself because I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. But I have to keep going and GET OVER IT. It's good he's out there, he is doing the most amazing thing and it's not like I'm not talking to him.
But its hard.
Really hard.
So after I posted my last blog entry I found out that He couldn't get his visa renewed unless he payed a ridiculous amount of money that he hadn't had to do before and that He was getting ill. I felt so useless and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't even be there for him.
I was working all of Saturday and Sunday, which wasn't very thrilling because it wasn't that busy, or if it was I didn't really notice. The evening weren't that brilliant either: just watching telly alone.. So I had a lot of thinking time.
I talked to Him on Sunday night, and I have never heard/seem him that low or unhappy. I just wanted to be there throughout the whole visa thing and I couldn't. It broke my heart that I couldn't be there for the person that I love. All I want is for him to be happy, and he wasn't.
Today was the day that He was going to sort it all out. It started off looking like that it wasn't going to get sorted and he would be coming home. I even had to look up flights that he could get if it wasn't sorted, and the soonest one would be thursday, and I started thinking about how I could rearrange work to meet him at the airport.
But he got it sorted. I have been saying that I was torn 50:50: half of me wanted him to stay and complete it and the other half wanted me to come home. I guess it wasn't half and half, but more like 10:90. I couldn't even hide the disappointment in my voice.
I feel so selfish by getting upset by it and wanting him not to get it sorted. I don't think I have ever thought anything so... self-centred. But I guess I've hit my 'wall'. With 31 days to go until he is back, I have hit the emotional 'missing him wall' which, just like any good marathon runner, I am going to have to break though and find the energy to keep going and telling myself that its only 31 days to go and we are more than halfway.
I know it has made things worse by me being by myself because I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. But I have to keep going and GET OVER IT. It's good he's out there, he is doing the most amazing thing and it's not like I'm not talking to him.
But its hard.
Really hard.
Friday 12 August 2011
A Taste of Happiness
I have been very happy of late.
I went to work on tuesday, after forking out £200 to get my phone reconnected, and was in a very good mood. This is unusual for work working, but I was lovely and charming to everyone and the smile hardly left my face. I had a skype date after with my boyfriend (still weird) and the smile just got bigger. Although, I have to say that that night I missed him more than I have since he left for Africa.
Wednesday was another good day. Started off well with a good gym session, then doing the food shopping that was purely for me and then general shopping in the afternoon. I was got a lovely email from Him that made me feel like the luckiest girl (just) in the world.
Yesterday started a bit slow, but I posted His care box, and then had my pre op. I had the most lovely nurse. She was Irish and probably about 23. We actually had a bit of a giggle about my piercing and the fact that a simple snip and stich could take 45 mins. The most bizarre thing about my operation is that I'm not going to have a general anaesthetic, and am going to be sedated and have a local one instead. Surely that is practically the same??
Also met up with one of my mates from the Shop last night who said that he is going to come and help me defeat this alien (yes, I still haven't, fail).
So yeah, I am very happy and strangely confident. I feel like I am almost in control of my life, and it feels good.
If there was one thing to make this senario 'perfect', it would be having Him at home and being in his arms. But its only 4 weeks and 6 days till he is back, and, as they say, 'imperfection is perfection itself'...
I went to work on tuesday, after forking out £200 to get my phone reconnected, and was in a very good mood. This is unusual for work working, but I was lovely and charming to everyone and the smile hardly left my face. I had a skype date after with my boyfriend (still weird) and the smile just got bigger. Although, I have to say that that night I missed him more than I have since he left for Africa.
Wednesday was another good day. Started off well with a good gym session, then doing the food shopping that was purely for me and then general shopping in the afternoon. I was got a lovely email from Him that made me feel like the luckiest girl (just) in the world.
Yesterday started a bit slow, but I posted His care box, and then had my pre op. I had the most lovely nurse. She was Irish and probably about 23. We actually had a bit of a giggle about my piercing and the fact that a simple snip and stich could take 45 mins. The most bizarre thing about my operation is that I'm not going to have a general anaesthetic, and am going to be sedated and have a local one instead. Surely that is practically the same??
Also met up with one of my mates from the Shop last night who said that he is going to come and help me defeat this alien (yes, I still haven't, fail).
So yeah, I am very happy and strangely confident. I feel like I am almost in control of my life, and it feels good.
If there was one thing to make this senario 'perfect', it would be having Him at home and being in his arms. But its only 4 weeks and 6 days till he is back, and, as they say, 'imperfection is perfection itself'...
Monday 8 August 2011
Officially Getting Old
So I bet your wondering how the birthday went. (Actually, I'm sure your not, but here it is just in case:)
It didn't start off so well because I was still pissed off from the night before (I was so close to quitting) and Ma could tell, so she tried her best to cheer me up.. not that it really helped.
What did cheer me up though was the sight of my presents and my first ever birthday balloon! Ah, I was so excited even though I knew what all of them were. I just love opening presents. The anticipation and the pressure that I put on myself not to tear the paper, but to carefully open the package, all adds to the excitement for me. (God, I am sad).
I then talked to Him for an hour on Skype and opened his present to me that he had sent over especially. They are these beautiful hard carved wooden animals that were just perfect. It made my day talking to him.
Ma and I went up to the City to have lunch with my brothers after. There were no arguments or anything, which was a bit of a miracle! Just a nice lunch together.
Since then I have been spending the weekend with one of my best mates from uni, and 2 other of friends from up North, and we have had a lovely time having BBQs, a picnic in the park, seeing the sights etc. Really has been a good weekend away. The only think that wasn't perfect was Him not being there... But he will be for the next one.
I cant really contemplate going back to work tomorrow, but the new me doesn't quit, so I' just going to grin and bare it for the rest of the summer...
The money is worth it, right?
It didn't start off so well because I was still pissed off from the night before (I was so close to quitting) and Ma could tell, so she tried her best to cheer me up.. not that it really helped.
What did cheer me up though was the sight of my presents and my first ever birthday balloon! Ah, I was so excited even though I knew what all of them were. I just love opening presents. The anticipation and the pressure that I put on myself not to tear the paper, but to carefully open the package, all adds to the excitement for me. (God, I am sad).
I then talked to Him for an hour on Skype and opened his present to me that he had sent over especially. They are these beautiful hard carved wooden animals that were just perfect. It made my day talking to him.
Ma and I went up to the City to have lunch with my brothers after. There were no arguments or anything, which was a bit of a miracle! Just a nice lunch together.
Since then I have been spending the weekend with one of my best mates from uni, and 2 other of friends from up North, and we have had a lovely time having BBQs, a picnic in the park, seeing the sights etc. Really has been a good weekend away. The only think that wasn't perfect was Him not being there... But he will be for the next one.
I cant really contemplate going back to work tomorrow, but the new me doesn't quit, so I' just going to grin and bare it for the rest of the summer...
The money is worth it, right?
Wednesday 3 August 2011
Almost Two Decades.
This will be my last post as a teenager. As of saturday, I turn 20.... I'm not looking forward to it because it means that I will have to start becoming a proper adult soon, which is a little bit daunting.
Not a lot has happend since my last post unfortunately. All I have been doing is working and gyming.
Him and I text all day, from the moment we wake up to the moment one of us goes to bed. I know, its incredible sad, but we never run out of things to say and its a good substitute for him not actually being here (but he is back in 6 weeks and a day!) We are still really happy with our decision, and it feels so good and right for us to be together.
I have managed to book the weekend off so that I can have the best time possible when realising that I will be two decades old. On the day itself I am going to talk to him on skype, and open my present that he sent (he spent a small fortune so that it would arrive on time) in front of him. Then I am going up to London to have lunch with my family, hopefully without the drama that we usually have, and then spend a few days with some people from uni. So it should be good.
My confidence is on such a high, going to the gym regularly and the sun being out has made me feel so much better and in control. Also having the knowledge that even though He is over 40000 miles away, he is still there for me every step of the way, really makes me feel like I can accept myself for who I am.
It has been noted that I seem more confident than a month ago, and I plan to keep going up.
I know there is still a long way to go, but I am starting to realise that I'm not as bad as I thought I was.
Best keep this up!!
Not a lot has happend since my last post unfortunately. All I have been doing is working and gyming.
Him and I text all day, from the moment we wake up to the moment one of us goes to bed. I know, its incredible sad, but we never run out of things to say and its a good substitute for him not actually being here (but he is back in 6 weeks and a day!) We are still really happy with our decision, and it feels so good and right for us to be together.
I have managed to book the weekend off so that I can have the best time possible when realising that I will be two decades old. On the day itself I am going to talk to him on skype, and open my present that he sent (he spent a small fortune so that it would arrive on time) in front of him. Then I am going up to London to have lunch with my family, hopefully without the drama that we usually have, and then spend a few days with some people from uni. So it should be good.
My confidence is on such a high, going to the gym regularly and the sun being out has made me feel so much better and in control. Also having the knowledge that even though He is over 40000 miles away, he is still there for me every step of the way, really makes me feel like I can accept myself for who I am.
It has been noted that I seem more confident than a month ago, and I plan to keep going up.
I know there is still a long way to go, but I am starting to realise that I'm not as bad as I thought I was.
Best keep this up!!
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