Friday, 29 July 2011

A New Development

So I was thinking about blogging the long winded version of the story: the conversation the other day, the doctors verdict, the surprise today and the brief uncertainty. But instead I thought I would just tell you:
Me and Him are going to give it a go. A proper relationship.
I know that there will be many skeptics out there. But I did go though everything with him, asking if it was just because He was lonely in Africa and that when He goes back to uni there will be all the freshers and saying that if there was any cheating (by either of us) that that would be it, for good. 
He said he had thought about it very carefully and took all of it into consideration and still wants to give it a go.
I'm so happy right now I ca't even put it into words. I really think that we can do it at uni. Its going to be hard, and we are both going to have to put effort in with visiting each other, but it will be worth it. We make each other so happy and I smile whenever he calls or I see him. I love him and He loves me.
Oh, on a less positive note, I went to the Doctors yesterday and I have to have an operation down below, which will take 4-6 weeks of healing time. No sex for me for another 2 months (the surgury isn't until the 5th of September)!! The tag could go away by the 5th, but knowing my wonky body, that is not going to happen! So I'm trying to think of the long term benefit, where it could become cancerous if it stays (although that is like a 5% chance) and I don't want cancer at all, let alone down there!
Even though thats probably too much information, there have only been those 2 things to happen in the last few days... Except for me loosing weight, which I am very happy about!
Got a comment about the strange sleeping patterns I've got into, and I want to say thank you so much and I will try your advice out tonight!
Keep the comments coming!

Monday, 25 July 2011

State of Recovery.

I woke up on friday morning with my hands and feet being swollen with red bumps all over them. I just presumed that some midges had gone on a crazy rampage. Ma wasn't convinced, so she marched me off to Boots to see what they said. The verdict was that it was an allergic reaction to something. However, there was one flaw in this logic: nothing has changed. The washing powder hasn't changed, the cleaning products haven't changed etc. So all very odd and I went off to work, where my hands and feet suffered tremendously and I was in pain by the end of it.
I then woke up the next morning and it had spread. It was now on my knees, elbows, thighs and lips. Baffled to what it could be, we went off to A&E. I now had stinging in my hands and feet and it was unbelievably uncomfortable to stand.. one weird allergic reaction.
The true verdict: a non-specific viral rash. Basically the doctor had no idea what it was or what to do, so she said that it would probably clear up within 7 days, but that work was out of the question. Great.
Well its cleared up a lot now. Still on my knees elbows and thighs, but much better overall, so I went to work yesterday. What I did realise though was that my hands are now very sensitive to heat.. Hopefully that will calm down.
But because my body seems to hate me, and most of my friends would agree and as one put it I'm 'wonky', I now have a cold coming on. Fun times.
I now have 3 days off and am already struggling with what to do. I have been to the gym, tidied my room, updating my blog, and I'm getting another piercing this afternoon. But what to do for the rest of it? I have texted my friends, no reply except from one who is in hospital.. and the rest are working or on holiday.. Looks like I really am going to have to get back to playing Red Faction, which is a shame when its so sunny outside. Why don't I have my skates already?
As for the self confidence thing, well even though I look like a Leper currently, I have had the confidence to talk to Him about next term, and to stand up to my boss about my pay. Also started running again because the foot is 100% better, and its making me feel in control.
Less than 2 weeks to go till the big 2-0.. becoming a proper adult is looming.. HELP!

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Blips and Pieces.

I'm having a bit of a blip at the moment.
Haven't slept a full nights sleep in over a week now and its really starting to take its toll. I have lost my appetite almost completely, my skin is rubbish and I let a simple answer to a question get me so down that it ruined a conversation between me and Him.
But I think I know the cause to my stress: Work.
Ma and I wrote a list of everything that is making work so hard. It is ENORMOUS. Ranges from the lack of management to the increasingly difficult customers.
Its basically one vicious circle. I can't sleep because I'm worried and stressed about work, and when I get to work I'm too tired to let the little things bounce off me, hence making work more difficult.
So I need to get more sleep... that one is obvious, but I cant. I wake up about 10+ times in the night and it takes such a long time to get back to sleep. I know I could take sleeping pills, but I'm one of those really annoying people who don't believe in pills except for colds, the flu and pain relief.. Does anyone have any other suggestions?
So a momentary blip in my positivity, but one that I hope will be resolved soon so I can get back to being the 'new' me.

Monday, 18 July 2011

Seemingly Never Ending Positivity

Not much has really happened since my last post, except for the fact that I feel more and more positive and confident with everyday that comes.
I really don't know why, but I just feel... happy.
I have chosen the roller skates that I want (they are some proper vintage white ones that im going to put coloured laces into) and have even found a bike that I want to get for when I learn.
I saw Harry Potter when it came out on Friday. It was so good! I really recommend it to anyone, even if you don't like HP, just go and see it for the CGI - its the best I have seen in a while. However, I did cry in it which I am a bit embarrassed by.. Hopefully no one saw (which is a bit of a contradiction as I have just told the world...)
Also, Me and Him are the best we've ever been. I don't why, there is really no reason why we should be in such a good place, but we are. I really have faith in our relationship and I think that if we survive this 2 months apart (and there is not doubt in my mind that we wont) that we can get though anything.
There has only been a little downer on my mood since wednesday, and that was that work messed up my pay by either getting my hours wrong or by paying me under min. wage. Whatever it is, I am sorting it out tomorrow.
People have said that I appear more confident of late.
I hope that I can carry on and keep being this new and improved me!

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Summer 2011 Part 2

I received my first comment the other day. I'm so pleased, which may sound odd if you read it, but its from someone who wants to help me and they asked a lot of good questions. I have been thinking about what they said very carefully, really taking everything on board and I want to reply in a way:
I have thought about its seriously. He does support me in this endeavour and knows that it is going to be a slow process. I'm not doing this for Him, and I think that it is important for me to say that as it could seem like I am. I really am doing this for myself, as it has been a major issue in my life ever since I can remember. He does bring out the best in me.. I want to do more stuff and try new things when I'm with Him. I feel more confident to talk and make friends when He's there. But even though He's helping me do this, He isn't here, so it is support from afar, and therefore He can't be 'moulding' me into what He wants because at the moment, every change that has occurred has been in my general attitude to life and in work. I really do appreciate your comment, and I have considered everything that you have said, and I think I will just watch out for any moulding in the future...

So He has come back and gone again. Massively sad that I only saw Him from a night, but I know that the next few months are going to be ok because we are going to be able to talk to each other. Therefore I need to get on with the rest of my summer, working away and seeing my friends.
I feel a lot more confident at the moment. I can't wait to get my skates and learn some tricks. I want to sort out my foot and go running again, and His best friend has offered to teach me to ride a bike whilst He is away.
This confidence might be because I know that we are in a really good place right now and we are working well together even though we have been and are so far apart from each other for the summer. I really truly believe that we can get though this summer and come out of it a stronger 'couple'.
It is also because I have learnt that I need to live my life and not just exist. I only get one shot at it, so I am going to make the most of it. I am going to conquer my fear of falling and get on with it.
I'm in a positive place right now and I intend to stay here for as long as I can!

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Surviving.. Just.

So it has been the busiest weekend at work this weekend. On Friday I did a 9 hour shift (no break), Saturday a 11 and a half hour shift (40 min break) and today I work another 5 hours (20 min break). Oh, and to top it all off, the tills broke and so we have had to do everything manually. JOY.
I am knackered.
Probs didn't help that we all went out last night for the Sous Chef's birthday, and we all got very drunk.
So I have been working my socks off for the last 72 hours, and my body has paid the price. My feet are agony and I ran home last night in a drunken moment of inspiration, and pulled the ligament I strained. I am seriously dehydrated and haven't eaten nearly enough (although that could be seen as a bonus).
I'm not saying that last night wasn't fun, because it was. Out with all my friends, having a really good time and not caring about anything. But I paid the price today.. and almost shouted at a very obnoxious customer.
Something that surprised me the most is that this weekend was the most I have missed Him. I thought that working so hard, and just generally being really busy, I wouldn't have time to think about Him or miss Him. But I really did. I wanted Him to come and get me at the end of the shifts and hold me. I wanted Him to come out last night and be with me and my friends. I wanted to receive texts throughout the day that would make me smile (However, I did get one yesterday using up the last of his battery and Him telling me he loved me...). It's made me realise how much I love having Him around and how much I love Him.
Anyway, I have only one shift left (Tuesday) until I have a week off. So I might just recover!
Going back to the gym tomorrow and then plan to spend the rest of the day playing x-box (I have gotten stuck)...

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Sunny Dispositions

Even though I haven't had a nights sleep with out nightmares for the last few days, overall I am happier than I have been in a while.
I don't know exactly why, but I feel like I'm back in control of my life, and therefore can concentrate on the exploration of my self confidence.
I went to the gym this morning, and don't worry, I didn't go on the running machine, I went on the cross trainer instead and did my ab work and weights. I'm going to repeat this until my foot heals and I can go running again. Might finally shift those few pounds that I have gained recently......
Its a month to my birthday now. It's not a particularly big one, but I have booked the weekend of it off just incase someone decides to throw me a party (not a hint btw, I'm honestly not that fussed). I had completely forgotten how close it was until the parent asked me what I wanted. No idea. SO had a look around and decided that a pair of rollar skates was the best thing. Why? Because they are AWESOME! The parent also suggested that she takes me away on a long weekend to one of the many European cities I want to go. I declined. Not because I don't want to go, but because I feel that for the next few years I want to go on holiday with my friends and not with my mother. Fair?
So I would say that after a blip, my confidence is back on the up and I am happy.
I'm sorting out my 2 shelves in the big wardrobe we have this afternoon. Who knows what I may find....

Monday, 4 July 2011

Turning Points

There is something that you all should know about me: I actually have a soundtrack to my life. I know it might seem cheesy, but I can match a song to a moment in my life perfectly. Don't know how this is relavent to my voyage of self discovery, but if I start using song lyrics to express myself, that is why. (Don't worry copy write people, they will be referenced).
Back to the blog.
I had a really good day yesterday. Think it was due to the fact that I had a good day at work, doing my job well and therefore feeling really good about myself. Also, Djokovic won Wimbledon, which was amazing. Made me realise that determination and perseverance really does pay off.
I went to the doctors this morning and had some bad news. I can't do any impact sport for another 10 days as I have pulled a ligament in my foot. Joy. But I'm going to ignore the doctors advice and give my foot another 3 days rest. I need to get out there and go running. Get my figure back. I wont be stopped!
I have had a slight confidence low recently. I'm finding it quite hard. He is on his Lad holiday, and we aren't actually together, there is nothing stopping him sleeping with other people. I know its the same when hes at university, but I think I'm finding harder because in the holidays He's mine... and so in my head, even though he is out of the country, He is still mine. I dont know if that makes sense or if I'm just being ridiculous and shouldn't feel like that. But I do and it sucks.
I've tried to overcome this feeling but playing an X-Box game that involves a lot of shooting, but it isn't really having the desired affect.
Then I find out that He is planning some big romantic surprise. And that turns everything upside down. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO????
I'm going to leave it. Sounds odd, but I have told him that I really don't want him to sleep with people out there... there is nothing else I can do.
I know this Blog seems a lot like its actually about my relationship between me and Him. But it is the biggest thing to happen to me, falling in love, and its never happend before. Every turn in the relationship is new to me, and so my confidence fluctuates as I go into every development blind.
I'm really trying to focus and keep myself busy.. guess I've got to try harder.
On a happier note, I do feel more confident overall. I feel that I can do anything that I put my mind to and that I might be able to say all those things that I need too soon.
I think these lyrics are what I need to strive for:
'I'm though accepting limits, 'Cause someone says thy're so. Some things I cannot change, But till I try, I'll never know' (Defying Gravity, Wicked the Musical.)

Friday, 1 July 2011

Changing Emotions

I believe my last post was on Sunday... I think a fair amount has happened since then.
I have basically been living with Him since then. It was a really good 4 days, just being together before he left for a 'Lads on Tour' holiday.
His friend came up on Wednesday afternoon due to their flight being at 6.50 this morning. I have to say I was a bit apprehensive about his arrival, not because I don't like him because I do, but because they are such good friends that I can feel like a third wheel around them. I also think its because they go to university together, so I can't join in with the stuff that they talk about. This 'fear' was realised at some point, and so I thought I would go and get a bit of space for a few moments to regroup. He came up stairs after 2 mins and we had the first petty argument that we had had since me starting this blog.
We bounced back from it though, and I manned-up and remembered that I have made this vow to become more self confident, so I realised that I should be joining in the conversation as much as I could, and not just sit there like a lemming.
Last night was horrible. I found out that I might not be seeing Him for that day between him returning from Serbia and going to Zambia for 2 months. That realisation hit me like a steam train. I think its different than when we are apart at uni because we can still talk whenever and see each other fairly easily. Plus, since we have both been home from university, I have only spent 4 nights by myself...
I promised myself that I wouldn't cry when he took me home, but I just couldn't hold it together. I have never felt so pathetic, but I am going to miss him so much: waking up next to him (nearly) every morning, the constant banter between us, the feeling of safety when I'm in his arms.. It is going to be hard.
But there is nothing I can do about it. So I'm going to change all the sadness that I feel and channel it into this project and into the gym, when my foot gets sorted out, my diet and seeing all my other friends.
I have promised Him that whilst he is away that I'm not going to take any shit from anyone. Lets see if I can do it.