Friday 1 July 2011

Changing Emotions

I believe my last post was on Sunday... I think a fair amount has happened since then.
I have basically been living with Him since then. It was a really good 4 days, just being together before he left for a 'Lads on Tour' holiday.
His friend came up on Wednesday afternoon due to their flight being at 6.50 this morning. I have to say I was a bit apprehensive about his arrival, not because I don't like him because I do, but because they are such good friends that I can feel like a third wheel around them. I also think its because they go to university together, so I can't join in with the stuff that they talk about. This 'fear' was realised at some point, and so I thought I would go and get a bit of space for a few moments to regroup. He came up stairs after 2 mins and we had the first petty argument that we had had since me starting this blog.
We bounced back from it though, and I manned-up and remembered that I have made this vow to become more self confident, so I realised that I should be joining in the conversation as much as I could, and not just sit there like a lemming.
Last night was horrible. I found out that I might not be seeing Him for that day between him returning from Serbia and going to Zambia for 2 months. That realisation hit me like a steam train. I think its different than when we are apart at uni because we can still talk whenever and see each other fairly easily. Plus, since we have both been home from university, I have only spent 4 nights by myself...
I promised myself that I wouldn't cry when he took me home, but I just couldn't hold it together. I have never felt so pathetic, but I am going to miss him so much: waking up next to him (nearly) every morning, the constant banter between us, the feeling of safety when I'm in his arms.. It is going to be hard.
But there is nothing I can do about it. So I'm going to change all the sadness that I feel and channel it into this project and into the gym, when my foot gets sorted out, my diet and seeing all my other friends.
I have promised Him that whilst he is away that I'm not going to take any shit from anyone. Lets see if I can do it.

1 comment:

  1. So, you are "not together" when he goes on a lad's holiday? Surely there is only one reason for him wanting it to be that way? You might love him, but I think you need to do some soul searching on this one and think about how much he is using the fact that you lack self confidence to get what he wants out of the relationship... if he loved you so much, then surely this would bring the true you out of yourself and if not, he should be supporting you through this... it sounds like he is waiting for you to miraculously get this self-confidence from somewhere while he stands and watches. It takes a strong person to admit the deepest truth, especially when it feels like taking a step back.

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