A friend that I haven't heard from for some time has recently got in touch with me. It was a very welcome surprise on many levels. Firstly, it was good to hear from hear as I haven't heard from her in well over 4 years. Secondly it was about my blog, which is good as its always nice that there are people out there who are keeping up-to-date and following my progress. But finally, she pointed out something really important to me. She has shown me that my last few posts have had a negative vibe to them. I really don't intend to be negative, and I am not using this blog as a 'melancholy form of self-indulgence' (as she put it) at all! Therefore, I am sorry if the last few posts have seemed that way, and I hope that this one, and the rest to come, are going to positive and giving the self-acceptance vibe!
Meanwhile, I am now about halfway though Freshers week. At my university Freshers weeks is pretty much exclusive just for Freshers, therefore the 2nd and 3rd years can't get involved all that much unless you are part of Freshers crew.
At first I looked at this as a bad thing, that I would have nothing to do during he day and so they would just drag on. I was really desperate to get back into the routine of lectures and everything.
However, this view has changed. I have had a great time so far. The awkwardness has gone from the flat, (bought on by us all hanging collectively, lying on the floor of one of our rooms..). I have been out for most of the days due to having to do stuff in town and crashing Freshers Fair.
But, the nights out have definitely been the highlight so far. One night was a friends 21st, so we all went round to hers for pre-lash, where I saw more people I knew, more friends that I have. After drinks the rest of my flat went to the opening night of the recently refurbished dupstep club, and I went with everyone else to continue the birthday celebrations in my favourite club. To be honest, I have a very dodgy memory of that night. I seem to have the visual memory, but the only audio I can remember are 3 song that were played. But it was a good night, My Mackem friend and I shouldn't really be allowed out together because we just drink. A lot. However, it turned out that I wasn't with her, or even the birthday 'party', for most of the night because I spent the majority of it with my friends who are now in the 3rd year just having a good time before getting to bed at 6.
Last night was good as well. Still cam't remember everything. I do remember losing everyone on a regular basis and then finding them again only to loose them 5 minutes later. Saw the 3rd year lads again and tried to set up one of them with one of my friends, only to find out that she was already chatting up another lad. Typical.
I know its a bit random, but its just that I am really enjoying myself after all that doubt. I have realised how lucky I am to have a good lot of friends, who are in different groups so I am always meeting new people that could be new friends.
I have an induction lecture on Thursday at 10am and the 3rd year lads want me to go out tonight. I do want to, however I don't know how much money I have left or who else is going.. I think that if I do go out, I will have to persuade another girl to come with me, as I know from previous experience that crashing a lads night out gets very very messy...
Wednesday 28 September 2011
Sunday 25 September 2011
Returning To The Cold
I got back yesterday evening.
When we actually got back into Newcastle, I felt optimistic. Just driving over the Tyne Bridge and though the centre of town, past the university, made me feel better.
However, when I got to the house it left me. I guess its because everyone else has been here for a month or more, but it was just a bit awkward.
I really did try to get included in everything that was going on, but it just didn't seem to be happening. I recon that being exhausted and full of flu didn't really help, but still.
Bit of a cupboard, but it'll do. It now looks like my room rather than an empty box.
Today has been a lot better. Been chilling with my flat mate and just having a general catch up. Later I am going over to see my mates who live 10 mins away.
Hopefully it will all seem better when everyone has settled down and the routine is back.
I said I will give it the term, and I am going to make the most of it!
When we actually got back into Newcastle, I felt optimistic. Just driving over the Tyne Bridge and though the centre of town, past the university, made me feel better.
However, when I got to the house it left me. I guess its because everyone else has been here for a month or more, but it was just a bit awkward.
I really did try to get included in everything that was going on, but it just didn't seem to be happening. I recon that being exhausted and full of flu didn't really help, but still.
So I gave up and went and unpacked all my stuff so that the Ma could take some of the bags back down with her. Not all the photos are up on my wall yet, but here it is:
Today has been a lot better. Been chilling with my flat mate and just having a general catch up. Later I am going over to see my mates who live 10 mins away.
Hopefully it will all seem better when everyone has settled down and the routine is back.
I said I will give it the term, and I am going to make the most of it!
Tuesday 20 September 2011
Packing Up My Life
Today I have been getting all my stuff together in preparation for heading back up North this weekend.
Its sad to think that I can pack my life up into about 6 suitcases. Unfortunately I can not take all of it with me.
When we were looking for flats back in January, my flatmates decided that because I was the smallest person I had to have the smallest room. After a lot of contesting, I got nowhere and am now going to be living in a cupboard for the rest of the year. This means that I cannot take everything that I want. I can't take up anything that I would enjoy, including books (modern art book, the fashion book He gave me for Christmas, reading books or recipe books), CDs and I'm only taking 6 DVDs.
The only thing that will actually make my room recognisable as mine will be the photos on my walls and the wooden animals He bought for my birthday.
It does upset me as I really don't have any space (surface or floor) and the desk is only big enough for my laptop to sit on it. (I will post a picture when I am moved in)
What annoys me more is the fact that my flatmate with the largest room (approx. 3 times the size of mine) isn't even going to uni this year AND isn't paying any more rent.. (I am paying less as the person with the next room size up has an ensuite). It infuriates me.
On the bright side though, I don't plan on spending much time in my house. I have a busy timetable this year with lots of group work and I am intending to join socials. Also, my closest friends are living no more than a 10 minute walk from me, so I can just go round and see them!
I'm not going to let the man get me down!
P.S. Sorry about the absence. I had a lot going on and needed to sort it all out. But I'm back, stronger than ever...
Tuesday 6 September 2011
The Operation
Just thought I would break the silence briefly to let you know how the operation went.
After a sleepless night of worry dreams about it being changed, or I was late or something, I had to get up at 6am. This meant that I could have a drink of water before the cut of 6.30. Unfortunately I dont like water, so I had a fruit tea thinking that it would just be flavoured water.
When we got to the hospital it turned out that I would go in first. This made me very happy. I got into my gown, had all my checks (I dont know how the computer came up with my age as being 15 from a birthdate of 1991) and got my allergy bands on my wrist and ancle. The anaesthetist then came in to talk about the general anaesthetic. Turned out that that the fruit tea was a MASSIVE mistake. He got all worried that it had stimulated me in some way and so I got bumped down to 3rd on the list.
Seriously, fruit tea?? Its not like I had had a massive meal and coffee on top. Jeez.
Anyway, I went into theatre at about 10.30. It was a little bit intimidating as I walked in as there was about 7 people just standing there. I got onto the bed and made myself comfortable and tried to relax. It didn't really work. The anaesthetist came over and started hitting the back of my hand to find an appropriate vein. He then rubbed something over the back of my hand that I just presumed was a special anaesthetic because I am allergic to the normal cream they use. Turned out to be an anti-bac, and he just shoved the needle into my hand. It hurt so much. He then continued to pump chemicals into my body that sent shooting pains from my had al the way up my arm. He claimed that one of them was to make me relax. Bull shit. I have never felt more panicked in all my life.
Just before I went under I had tears rolling from my eyes. Sounds really pathetic, but I was scared of not waking up. They said they would look after me... Not really any comfort. He started to inject it. I felt it go up my arm. It was cold and then I started to taste it in my mouth and I was out 2 seconds later.
I came round at about 11.30. Only semi-conscious so I cant remember all that happened for the 3/4 of an hour after I woke up. I do remember waking up with a really itchy nose again, and this time I was allowed to take my oxygen mask of to itch it. The nurse I had looking after me was called Amy, and she was lovely. She asked me if I hurt, and I said only my hand did, which was odd. We then had the same conversations over and over again as I kept forgetting.
The surgen came over about 10 mins after I came round. She told me that the tag wasn't there to be removed. It had gone. She had a good look and couldn't find it. She then said that she checked the whole thing for any sign of why I was bleeding. But there was nothing. I cried. I was just so happy that my body isn't completely abnormal. She then went onto explain why I may bleed sometimes, which is all a little hazy, but I think that I get the general gist.
The rest of the day I was completely out of it and just looked very ill.
I didn't sleep well last night for no reason, and because I was so dehydrated I fell down the stairs this morning.
I'm not totally all there today. Still feel dizzy and generally look like shit. But only another 24 hours of being medically celibate. Who knows how long actually celibacy is going to last.
After a sleepless night of worry dreams about it being changed, or I was late or something, I had to get up at 6am. This meant that I could have a drink of water before the cut of 6.30. Unfortunately I dont like water, so I had a fruit tea thinking that it would just be flavoured water.
When we got to the hospital it turned out that I would go in first. This made me very happy. I got into my gown, had all my checks (I dont know how the computer came up with my age as being 15 from a birthdate of 1991) and got my allergy bands on my wrist and ancle. The anaesthetist then came in to talk about the general anaesthetic. Turned out that that the fruit tea was a MASSIVE mistake. He got all worried that it had stimulated me in some way and so I got bumped down to 3rd on the list.
Seriously, fruit tea?? Its not like I had had a massive meal and coffee on top. Jeez.
Anyway, I went into theatre at about 10.30. It was a little bit intimidating as I walked in as there was about 7 people just standing there. I got onto the bed and made myself comfortable and tried to relax. It didn't really work. The anaesthetist came over and started hitting the back of my hand to find an appropriate vein. He then rubbed something over the back of my hand that I just presumed was a special anaesthetic because I am allergic to the normal cream they use. Turned out to be an anti-bac, and he just shoved the needle into my hand. It hurt so much. He then continued to pump chemicals into my body that sent shooting pains from my had al the way up my arm. He claimed that one of them was to make me relax. Bull shit. I have never felt more panicked in all my life.
Just before I went under I had tears rolling from my eyes. Sounds really pathetic, but I was scared of not waking up. They said they would look after me... Not really any comfort. He started to inject it. I felt it go up my arm. It was cold and then I started to taste it in my mouth and I was out 2 seconds later.
I came round at about 11.30. Only semi-conscious so I cant remember all that happened for the 3/4 of an hour after I woke up. I do remember waking up with a really itchy nose again, and this time I was allowed to take my oxygen mask of to itch it. The nurse I had looking after me was called Amy, and she was lovely. She asked me if I hurt, and I said only my hand did, which was odd. We then had the same conversations over and over again as I kept forgetting.
The surgen came over about 10 mins after I came round. She told me that the tag wasn't there to be removed. It had gone. She had a good look and couldn't find it. She then said that she checked the whole thing for any sign of why I was bleeding. But there was nothing. I cried. I was just so happy that my body isn't completely abnormal. She then went onto explain why I may bleed sometimes, which is all a little hazy, but I think that I get the general gist.
The rest of the day I was completely out of it and just looked very ill.
I didn't sleep well last night for no reason, and because I was so dehydrated I fell down the stairs this morning.
I'm not totally all there today. Still feel dizzy and generally look like shit. But only another 24 hours of being medically celibate. Who knows how long actually celibacy is going to last.
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