Monday, 20 February 2012

An Unexpected Turn Of Events

It all went a bit tits up towards the end of the week.
I havent been eating properly, well very much at all, because I havent had my grant though from Student Finance, and my loan doesn't even cover my rent. Any money I had saved I used up last term, so I have had to cut down on spending just so I can pay for my rent, not including bills.
At the end of last week, I got very tired due to the lack of food and I have had a lot of work to do for Uni. I came home on Thursday night to find that someone in my flat had help themselves to half my milk. Normally I wouldn't care so much, like with my butter that has been steadily going down over the weeks, but the fact that I could afford to replace it meant that having half of it gone sent me over the edge.
I just broke down. The thing is is that the reason I havent got my grant is not because Student Finance is being slow, but because my mother just refuses to do the accounts that they need. I don't know if it is a control thing, but after many hints from me she refused to acknowledge how bad the situation had got. In the end I had to resort to getting my brother involved.
Consequently it has put a strain on my mothers and mines relationship and I am now not talking to her because I am just so angry. The fact that she called me up the following morning in tears, telling me she was a massive failure and she has pushed em away, really didn't help her.
So I have had a massive binge this weekend, stocked up my calories for the week ahead, and just done the thing that I enjoy the most: baking.
Dad and his wife posed some interesting questions to me and it really got me thinking. I have realised that I have not been living my life for myself. That has to change.
I am at uni for purely practical reasons, but I am not going to join a corporation like everyone expects me to. I want to bake. I want to do what I love, and I am good at it! Yes, I do want to live my life a certain way, and you do need a certain amount of money for it, but who says I'm not going to be successful? I could make that money by doing something I actually enjoy rather than sitting behind a desk all day.
Its time for change, and if people don't like it then they aren't worth it.
I AM the leading lady of my own life.

Monday, 13 February 2012

A Generic Update

Since I have been back, I have been trying to make the best of a bad situation.
This hasn't been as hard as I thought, as I now spend of of my time out the flat doing things.
I have met some new people that are helping me make sure that I have a plan for every week, and are just the nicest people in the world (I already feel like I owe them so much), and my course friends are also being massive stars and helping as much as they can.
He has been great as well. We are being really good at being there for each other and I am so excited for when he comes up in about 2 weeks!
Went to my dads this weekend, which was actually enjoyable. So much so, I am returning this coming weekend. I don't know if it is just the fact that I am getting fed good food and that it is warm, or if it is the combination of that and the fact that my dad is really making a effort for the first time that meant that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Don't be fooled though, I am still wary, but I am willing to give him a chance.
I am now staying in the North nest year, so the quest has started for a room to rent. Although, I have completely lost interest in my course, so finding the will power to od the work that I need to do at the moment (and is A LOT), is proving very tricky!
Tomorrow is Valentines Day. I'm not a big one for it really, but I have planned a small something for Him. Hope that you get a little bit of love tomorrow, even if its just from your mum!
So, things aren't as bad as they could be. I wouldn't say that I was happy, but I'm not in the place that I was 2/3 months ago.
Just need to keep myself busy...