This weekend my father and his wife came up to see me. I haven't seen him for over a year and I dont know the last time I saw her.
I have been absolutely dreading the visit. I have always had a very rocky relationship with my father since I was old enough to realise what had happened between him and my mother, and I have never fully accept the fact that he has a new family and that they are now his priority.
However, this time I saw him it was completely different. I don't know why, but for the first time I found respect for him. I wouldn't say it was an absolute change of heart/mind, because the damage that has been done will take a lifetime to try and rectify. But I think it is because I am so much more mature that I could see that he was genuinely happy with his wife. That they really do love each other, and I respect that whole heartedly.
That was the good part of the visit. I found out that the rest of my family is even more messed up than I thought. And, once agin, I was kept in the dark. They really refuse to acknowledge that I am 20 and not 10. Every time they don't tell me something and I happen to find out by coincidence, it hurts. This whole perception that I need 'protecting from the trueth' is destroying my trust in the people that I should be able to. Its not protecting me, its doing the opposite.
Last night I felt completely alone. I wanted to tell someone, but for the first time I couldn't tell them because I felt ashamed (not sure why). I think that I could now, as I have digested it all, but the moment might have gone.
Today is a new day and, as always, I have just got to get on with it. If I stopped to dwell on everything that had happened I would never move on and would probably start going backwards! As I always say: Shit happens, life moves on.
I guess there is a positive from all this. Realising that my dad is happy now that he has found love has confirmed to me that love is a very precious gift. One I am very lucky to have.
'People Help The People' - Birdy
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