Half and Half

Well this weekend has been a mixture of emotions for me.
So after I posted my last blog entry I found out that He couldn't get his visa renewed unless he payed a ridiculous amount of money that he hadn't had to do before and that He was getting ill. I felt so useless and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't even be there for him.
I was working all of Saturday and Sunday, which wasn't very thrilling because it wasn't that busy, or if it was I didn't really notice. The evening weren't that brilliant either: just watching telly alone.. So I had a lot of thinking time.
I talked to Him on Sunday night, and I have never heard/seem him that low or unhappy. I just wanted to be there throughout the whole visa thing and I couldn't. It broke my heart that I couldn't be there for the person that I love. All I want is for him to be happy, and he wasn't.
Today was the day that He was going to sort it all out. It started off looking like that it wasn't going to get sorted and he would be coming home. I even had to look up flights that he could get if it wasn't sorted, and the soonest one would be thursday, and I started thinking about how I could rearrange work to meet him at the airport.
But he got it sorted. I have been saying that I was torn 50:50: half of me wanted him to stay and complete it and the other half wanted me to come home. I guess it wasn't half and half, but more like 10:90. I couldn't even hide the disappointment in my voice.
I feel so selfish by getting upset by it and wanting him not to get it sorted. I don't think I have ever thought anything so... self-centred. But I guess I've hit my 'wall'. With 31 days to go until he is back, I have hit the emotional 'missing him wall' which, just like any good marathon runner, I am going to have to break though and find the energy to keep going and telling myself that its only 31 days to go and we are more than halfway.
I know it has made things worse by me being by myself because I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. But I have to keep going and GET OVER IT. It's good he's out there, he is doing the most amazing thing and it's not like I'm not talking to him.
But its hard.
Really hard.