An Unexpected Turn Of Events

It all went a bit tits up towards the end of the week.
I havent been eating properly, well very much at all, because I havent had my grant though from Student Finance, and my loan doesn't even cover my rent. Any money I had saved I used up last term, so I have had to cut down on spending just so I can pay for my rent, not including bills.
At the end of last week, I got very tired due to the lack of food and I have had a lot of work to do for Uni. I came home on Thursday night to find that someone in my flat had help themselves to half my milk. Normally I wouldn't care so much, like with my butter that has been steadily going down over the weeks, but the fact that I could afford to replace it meant that having half of it gone sent me over the edge.
I just broke down. The thing is is that the reason I havent got my grant is not because Student Finance is being slow, but because my mother just refuses to do the accounts that they need. I don't know if it is a control thing, but after many hints from me she refused to acknowledge how bad the situation had got. In the end I had to resort to getting my brother involved.
Consequently it has put a strain on my mothers and mines relationship and I am now not talking to her because I am just so angry. The fact that she called me up the following morning in tears, telling me she was a massive failure and she has pushed em away, really didn't help her.
So I have had a massive binge this weekend, stocked up my calories for the week ahead, and just done the thing that I enjoy the most: baking.
Dad and his wife posed some interesting questions to me and it really got me thinking. I have realised that I have not been living my life for myself. That has to change.
I am at uni for purely practical reasons, but I am not going to join a corporation like everyone expects me to. I want to bake. I want to do what I love, and I am good at it! Yes, I do want to live my life a certain way, and you do need a certain amount of money for it, but who says I'm not going to be successful? I could make that money by doing something I actually enjoy rather than sitting behind a desk all day.
Its time for change, and if people don't like it then they aren't worth it.
I AM the leading lady of my own life.

A Generic Update

Since I have been back, I have been trying to make the best of a bad situation.
This hasn't been as hard as I thought, as I now spend of of my time out the flat doing things.
I have met some new people that are helping me make sure that I have a plan for every week, and are just the nicest people in the world (I already feel like I owe them so much), and my course friends are also being massive stars and helping as much as they can.
He has been great as well. We are being really good at being there for each other and I am so excited for when he comes up in about 2 weeks!
Went to my dads this weekend, which was actually enjoyable. So much so, I am returning this coming weekend. I don't know if it is just the fact that I am getting fed good food and that it is warm, or if it is the combination of that and the fact that my dad is really making a effort for the first time that meant that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Don't be fooled though, I am still wary, but I am willing to give him a chance.
I am now staying in the North nest year, so the quest has started for a room to rent. Although, I have completely lost interest in my course, so finding the will power to od the work that I need to do at the moment (and is A LOT), is proving very tricky!
Tomorrow is Valentines Day. I'm not a big one for it really, but I have planned a small something for Him. Hope that you get a little bit of love tomorrow, even if its just from your mum!
So, things aren't as bad as they could be. I wouldn't say that I was happy, but I'm not in the place that I was 2/3 months ago.
Just need to keep myself busy...

The Secret Baker

Over the past few days I have made: mocha kisses, biscotti, chocolate wafers, marshmallows and a lemon meringue pie, and will be making an orange and white chocolate cake for my brothers birthday on friday.
I have a not so secret passion for baking and I'm actually really quite good at it. It could be said I have a talent.
It makes me wonder whether I should do it more seriously.
I have decided to enter a famous T.V. baking competition when it is next on, and hopefully I have the skills to be whittled down to the final 12(?) that get on telly.
I love baking. Its so precise that I get enormous satisfaction from it when it turns out well, even though I am my harshest critic.
There are so many more techniques I have to learn, like puff pastry, danish pastries, brandy snaps, bread.. But the thought doesn't terrify me, it excites me to no end, and I am confident that I can master them too!
I know it sounds sad, but I do genuinely love it, almost as mush as I love Him!
I hope those people who have managed to have some of this weeks creations already, and those who have some coming their way, that really enjoy them and that they tell me honestly what they think and how they can be improved.
Could it be said that I am a baking addict??

The Getaway

This week I have been on 'holiday'. It has been absolutely amazing having complete freedom and it has been what I needed.
Unfortunately I am leaving tomorrow. Technically I don't have to, but I feel like don't have a choice, even though I am not ready to. Every time I think about leaving here and going home I go into a small state of panic, which is not a good sign. The only reason I am leaving is that I need to start talking to the people that will determine what I do next year, and I cant do that without guidance.
I am also feeling pressures from home, that is not really helping me.. Once again, I am not being recognised as the 20 year old I am.
But this week has been has been incredible. I love the coast and I actually feel more at home here than I do at home. I have been staying in a friends flat that is basically on the beach. Today the sun is shining and the surf is obviously good with the amount of surfers in the water, its just beautiful.
Here are some pictures I took this week (I will take some more today):

I wish I could stay.

My Current State of Affairs

I have recently had coffee with a friend who asked me a very good question. She asked me how I was doing since the summer, since the start of this blog.
I have been thinking about this quite carefully and I now think I can give a proper answer instead of the vague one I gave her at the time.
I depression got confirmed and 'diagnosed' by the doctor today. It is the same combination of things that I wrote about in my last post, I just now have an 'official' label for my unhappiness, even though I know that, with the right help, the light at the end of the tunnel isn't that far away.
However, even in this bad place, and all its symptoms, I still feel more confident in myself. I feel like I can ask for the help that I need from the people I need it from, even if they are proving a little reluctant, whereas previously I wouldn't have been able to.
The most important thing for me though, the thing that is a sure sign of my progress since June, is that I know that I will get better. I want to get better and get back to living and enjoying my life again.
I have already started making some decisions, and there are still some quite big ones to make, potentially life changing ones, but I feel that with more thinking time and input from others I can make them.
So I can say, that een with this low, I am, in general, still becoming more confident and self accepting as time goes on.
Just got to get over this small bump in the road..

Getting On With Tomorrow

For quite sometime now I have been really quite unhappy.

It has been due to a combination of many different things that have been building up over time.

I am not going to lie, I am depressed, something that I have suffered with before, but it is never the same. This time I am not sleeping well, but waking up in a relatively positive mood. But by lunchtime I am noticeably down, and it gets progressively worse. Unbeknown to my mother, I have once again completely lost my appetite, but I have been forcing myself to eat, which has just caused massive bloating. And to top it off, I constantly have my mother telling me to stand up straight, do my make up and put a front on to convince the world, and eventually myself, that everything is perfect. The opposite is occurring. I am the type of person who needs ride it out: be in a dark place until I am no longer.

I cannot say that today was that day, but I think it might be the start.

I read an article in The Guardian in the early hours of this morning. It was called 'Here's to Hogmanay - and the art of getting on with tomorrow' by Morven Crumlish. The content of the article itself was interesting, but it was the title that just stuck out for me. Those words: 'the art of getting on with tomorrow' just made me think. Think about all thats happened, all those things that have put me in this dark place, and how I might be able to solve them.

It just so happened that I was going up to London today for no reason, so I was going to have time on my hands. Originally, I was going to take some "arty" photos to continue with the photo challenge, but the light was just so poor. So I went and bought myself a notebook, sat in a coffee shop and just wrote it all down. Just doing that simple task helped me more than I thought, I had just to a point where I forgot that I like to be organised.

I have some very important decisions to make now, and need to talk to some influential people to help me make them. I want to be better again and to get back to the me that I have been working so hard on with the help of this blog and you reading it, spurring me on. And I've got about a month to get back to where I want to be.. going to be tough, and I'm going to need help from those who love me, but it will give me something to focus on, something to aim for.

This year I am not making resolutions, I am making decisions.

Merry Prime Gifting Period!

It has just entered the final hour of Christmas Eve.

I don't feel in the slightest bit Christmassy, which is a bit of a shame. There has just been so much that has happened in the last few weeks that means that I havent really had a chance to experience what I wrote about at the beginning of the month.. We only managed to decorate the tree today.

But anyway, I am hoping to have a good day tomorrow. Its just me, my ma and one of my brothers this year, but I'm sure that it will be lovely. Got the puzzle already started, some presents under the tree, photo challenge started and an abundance of food.

I'm trying to have a positive out look on things, but it is proving really hard. Don't think that the fact that I can't sleep for more than 3 hours is really helping. Its driving me crazy that I can't go to the gym and that I am going to be forcing myself to eat the amazing Christmas meal that is planned for tomorrow (I have no appetite, again). Just not in a good place right now, but hopefully I will be soon!

Enough of the dismal. I mainly wanted to write this post to say Merry Christmas to everyone. Thank you so much for reading my random collection of words, even if it is just an accidental glace. Every view means so much. I hope you all have a wonderful time however you spend your day, enjoying the feeling of togetherness that fills the air this time of year. 

All my love,

Amy