The Secret Baker

Over the past few days I have made: mocha kisses, biscotti, chocolate wafers, marshmallows and a lemon meringue pie, and will be making an orange and white chocolate cake for my brothers birthday on friday.
I have a not so secret passion for baking and I'm actually really quite good at it. It could be said I have a talent.
It makes me wonder whether I should do it more seriously.
I have decided to enter a famous T.V. baking competition when it is next on, and hopefully I have the skills to be whittled down to the final 12(?) that get on telly.
I love baking. Its so precise that I get enormous satisfaction from it when it turns out well, even though I am my harshest critic.
There are so many more techniques I have to learn, like puff pastry, danish pastries, brandy snaps, bread.. But the thought doesn't terrify me, it excites me to no end, and I am confident that I can master them too!
I know it sounds sad, but I do genuinely love it, almost as mush as I love Him!
I hope those people who have managed to have some of this weeks creations already, and those who have some coming their way, that really enjoy them and that they tell me honestly what they think and how they can be improved.
Could it be said that I am a baking addict??

The Getaway

This week I have been on 'holiday'. It has been absolutely amazing having complete freedom and it has been what I needed.
Unfortunately I am leaving tomorrow. Technically I don't have to, but I feel like don't have a choice, even though I am not ready to. Every time I think about leaving here and going home I go into a small state of panic, which is not a good sign. The only reason I am leaving is that I need to start talking to the people that will determine what I do next year, and I cant do that without guidance.
I am also feeling pressures from home, that is not really helping me.. Once again, I am not being recognised as the 20 year old I am.
But this week has been has been incredible. I love the coast and I actually feel more at home here than I do at home. I have been staying in a friends flat that is basically on the beach. Today the sun is shining and the surf is obviously good with the amount of surfers in the water, its just beautiful.
Here are some pictures I took this week (I will take some more today):

I wish I could stay.

My Current State of Affairs

I have recently had coffee with a friend who asked me a very good question. She asked me how I was doing since the summer, since the start of this blog.
I have been thinking about this quite carefully and I now think I can give a proper answer instead of the vague one I gave her at the time.
I depression got confirmed and 'diagnosed' by the doctor today. It is the same combination of things that I wrote about in my last post, I just now have an 'official' label for my unhappiness, even though I know that, with the right help, the light at the end of the tunnel isn't that far away.
However, even in this bad place, and all its symptoms, I still feel more confident in myself. I feel like I can ask for the help that I need from the people I need it from, even if they are proving a little reluctant, whereas previously I wouldn't have been able to.
The most important thing for me though, the thing that is a sure sign of my progress since June, is that I know that I will get better. I want to get better and get back to living and enjoying my life again.
I have already started making some decisions, and there are still some quite big ones to make, potentially life changing ones, but I feel that with more thinking time and input from others I can make them.
So I can say, that een with this low, I am, in general, still becoming more confident and self accepting as time goes on.
Just got to get over this small bump in the road..

Getting On With Tomorrow

For quite sometime now I have been really quite unhappy.

It has been due to a combination of many different things that have been building up over time.

I am not going to lie, I am depressed, something that I have suffered with before, but it is never the same. This time I am not sleeping well, but waking up in a relatively positive mood. But by lunchtime I am noticeably down, and it gets progressively worse. Unbeknown to my mother, I have once again completely lost my appetite, but I have been forcing myself to eat, which has just caused massive bloating. And to top it off, I constantly have my mother telling me to stand up straight, do my make up and put a front on to convince the world, and eventually myself, that everything is perfect. The opposite is occurring. I am the type of person who needs ride it out: be in a dark place until I am no longer.

I cannot say that today was that day, but I think it might be the start.

I read an article in The Guardian in the early hours of this morning. It was called 'Here's to Hogmanay - and the art of getting on with tomorrow' by Morven Crumlish. The content of the article itself was interesting, but it was the title that just stuck out for me. Those words: 'the art of getting on with tomorrow' just made me think. Think about all thats happened, all those things that have put me in this dark place, and how I might be able to solve them.

It just so happened that I was going up to London today for no reason, so I was going to have time on my hands. Originally, I was going to take some "arty" photos to continue with the photo challenge, but the light was just so poor. So I went and bought myself a notebook, sat in a coffee shop and just wrote it all down. Just doing that simple task helped me more than I thought, I had just to a point where I forgot that I like to be organised.

I have some very important decisions to make now, and need to talk to some influential people to help me make them. I want to be better again and to get back to the me that I have been working so hard on with the help of this blog and you reading it, spurring me on. And I've got about a month to get back to where I want to be.. going to be tough, and I'm going to need help from those who love me, but it will give me something to focus on, something to aim for.

This year I am not making resolutions, I am making decisions.

Merry Prime Gifting Period!

It has just entered the final hour of Christmas Eve.

I don't feel in the slightest bit Christmassy, which is a bit of a shame. There has just been so much that has happened in the last few weeks that means that I havent really had a chance to experience what I wrote about at the beginning of the month.. We only managed to decorate the tree today.

But anyway, I am hoping to have a good day tomorrow. Its just me, my ma and one of my brothers this year, but I'm sure that it will be lovely. Got the puzzle already started, some presents under the tree, photo challenge started and an abundance of food.

I'm trying to have a positive out look on things, but it is proving really hard. Don't think that the fact that I can't sleep for more than 3 hours is really helping. Its driving me crazy that I can't go to the gym and that I am going to be forcing myself to eat the amazing Christmas meal that is planned for tomorrow (I have no appetite, again). Just not in a good place right now, but hopefully I will be soon!

Enough of the dismal. I mainly wanted to write this post to say Merry Christmas to everyone. Thank you so much for reading my random collection of words, even if it is just an accidental glace. Every view means so much. I hope you all have a wonderful time however you spend your day, enjoying the feeling of togetherness that fills the air this time of year. 

All my love,

Amy

'There Ain't No Reason'

Well overall its been a somewhat bad past two weeks.
It started with receiving some news that provoked me into saying and doing something I was convinced was right, but now I look back after having said it and 'realised it' so suddenly, if in fact it is what I want or, in fact, is actually true. But there is nothing I can really do about it now. Just something that I have to live with and move on from.. Hoping that there really will be a silver lining to the rather sad, dark and painful cloud.
Then went out on the Wednesday of the same week, where I got my drink spiked. I have no memory of what happen after about 1am. All I do know is that I woke up in my bed with my one of my flat mates in it also and the other sleeping on the floor because they though I was going to choke on my own vomit. Lovely.
Friday I then went up to Edinburgh to see my Uncle and his family as an escape from it all and to spend some quality time with him. It was that night that it really all kicked off.
I woke up at 4am on saturday morning with a temperature of 38.7 degrees but was shivering and all my  muscles ached. I got taken to the doctors at 8, when they opened, and got told that I had the worst case of the flu the doctor has ever seen. All I can say is thank god I was with my Uncle and his family, as I was ill up to.... yesterday. Almost went into hospital after 4 days because I started throwing up any water I was  drinking...
It did mean that I missed my last week of term, which included a hand-in date which has now been pushed to the middle of the holidays )I have no idea how I am going to hand that in), and so I didn't get to go out with the people I wanted and see people that I havent seen since the start of term.
So it hasn't really been a great festive period so far.
I have come back to my home town tonight, where I thought I would have a job to tie me over, but they forgot to tell me they didn't need any casuals this holidays.
I dont know what to do.
They say bad things happen in threes, but I guess, when your on a roll, your on a roll.

'There Ain't No Reason' - Brett Dennon

That Time Of Year

Today is 1st of December. I love this date. Its the beginning of a really magical time of year for me.
I love the build up to Christmas, but not the day itself. The 25th is always filled with stress, bitter disappointment and, just generally, its a massive anticlimax.
The days before are always so happy. People hustling and bustling around, trying to make peoples dreams come true. Putting up decorations and the general feeling of warmth, comfort and love fills the air.
I love shopping in the dark, all wrapped up with the only lights coming from the shop windows and the christmas lights put up around the towns.
What really makes Christmas special is making mince pies and sausage rolls with my Ma. It is something that we do together every year. It one of those moments I long for for most of the year.
Unfortunately, this year is a little different as I have a lot of uni work to complete before I head back down south on the 17th. So at the moment, I am a little bit stressed, but that will only last for another week or so and I will be able to focus on the 'Christmas spirit'!
I also don't have a lot of money this year. I have only bought one present so far, and I intend to make the rest and really utilise my baking skills!
I think that New Years is also sorted, and that it will be as good as last year: beautiful simplicity.
I think that the reason why I love 'the season' so much is that it is celebrated all over the world, everyone having a good time, and getting stressed together. A sense of unity across the planet, where friends and families come together and share the celebrations.
Dont get me wrong though, I think that Christmas should only be celebrated in the month of December and NOT start in September.
I know that this post is erratic and a bit sad, but I am excited and craving to get my work done so I can really relish in the jolliness.
Its a happy time.