Getting On With Tomorrow

For quite sometime now I have been really quite unhappy.

It has been due to a combination of many different things that have been building up over time.

I am not going to lie, I am depressed, something that I have suffered with before, but it is never the same. This time I am not sleeping well, but waking up in a relatively positive mood. But by lunchtime I am noticeably down, and it gets progressively worse. Unbeknown to my mother, I have once again completely lost my appetite, but I have been forcing myself to eat, which has just caused massive bloating. And to top it off, I constantly have my mother telling me to stand up straight, do my make up and put a front on to convince the world, and eventually myself, that everything is perfect. The opposite is occurring. I am the type of person who needs ride it out: be in a dark place until I am no longer.

I cannot say that today was that day, but I think it might be the start.

I read an article in The Guardian in the early hours of this morning. It was called 'Here's to Hogmanay - and the art of getting on with tomorrow' by Morven Crumlish. The content of the article itself was interesting, but it was the title that just stuck out for me. Those words: 'the art of getting on with tomorrow' just made me think. Think about all thats happened, all those things that have put me in this dark place, and how I might be able to solve them.

It just so happened that I was going up to London today for no reason, so I was going to have time on my hands. Originally, I was going to take some "arty" photos to continue with the photo challenge, but the light was just so poor. So I went and bought myself a notebook, sat in a coffee shop and just wrote it all down. Just doing that simple task helped me more than I thought, I had just to a point where I forgot that I like to be organised.

I have some very important decisions to make now, and need to talk to some influential people to help me make them. I want to be better again and to get back to the me that I have been working so hard on with the help of this blog and you reading it, spurring me on. And I've got about a month to get back to where I want to be.. going to be tough, and I'm going to need help from those who love me, but it will give me something to focus on, something to aim for.

This year I am not making resolutions, I am making decisions.

Merry Prime Gifting Period!

It has just entered the final hour of Christmas Eve.

I don't feel in the slightest bit Christmassy, which is a bit of a shame. There has just been so much that has happened in the last few weeks that means that I havent really had a chance to experience what I wrote about at the beginning of the month.. We only managed to decorate the tree today.

But anyway, I am hoping to have a good day tomorrow. Its just me, my ma and one of my brothers this year, but I'm sure that it will be lovely. Got the puzzle already started, some presents under the tree, photo challenge started and an abundance of food.

I'm trying to have a positive out look on things, but it is proving really hard. Don't think that the fact that I can't sleep for more than 3 hours is really helping. Its driving me crazy that I can't go to the gym and that I am going to be forcing myself to eat the amazing Christmas meal that is planned for tomorrow (I have no appetite, again). Just not in a good place right now, but hopefully I will be soon!

Enough of the dismal. I mainly wanted to write this post to say Merry Christmas to everyone. Thank you so much for reading my random collection of words, even if it is just an accidental glace. Every view means so much. I hope you all have a wonderful time however you spend your day, enjoying the feeling of togetherness that fills the air this time of year. 

All my love,

Amy

'There Ain't No Reason'

Well overall its been a somewhat bad past two weeks.
It started with receiving some news that provoked me into saying and doing something I was convinced was right, but now I look back after having said it and 'realised it' so suddenly, if in fact it is what I want or, in fact, is actually true. But there is nothing I can really do about it now. Just something that I have to live with and move on from.. Hoping that there really will be a silver lining to the rather sad, dark and painful cloud.
Then went out on the Wednesday of the same week, where I got my drink spiked. I have no memory of what happen after about 1am. All I do know is that I woke up in my bed with my one of my flat mates in it also and the other sleeping on the floor because they though I was going to choke on my own vomit. Lovely.
Friday I then went up to Edinburgh to see my Uncle and his family as an escape from it all and to spend some quality time with him. It was that night that it really all kicked off.
I woke up at 4am on saturday morning with a temperature of 38.7 degrees but was shivering and all my  muscles ached. I got taken to the doctors at 8, when they opened, and got told that I had the worst case of the flu the doctor has ever seen. All I can say is thank god I was with my Uncle and his family, as I was ill up to.... yesterday. Almost went into hospital after 4 days because I started throwing up any water I was  drinking...
It did mean that I missed my last week of term, which included a hand-in date which has now been pushed to the middle of the holidays )I have no idea how I am going to hand that in), and so I didn't get to go out with the people I wanted and see people that I havent seen since the start of term.
So it hasn't really been a great festive period so far.
I have come back to my home town tonight, where I thought I would have a job to tie me over, but they forgot to tell me they didn't need any casuals this holidays.
I dont know what to do.
They say bad things happen in threes, but I guess, when your on a roll, your on a roll.

'There Ain't No Reason' - Brett Dennon

That Time Of Year

Today is 1st of December. I love this date. Its the beginning of a really magical time of year for me.
I love the build up to Christmas, but not the day itself. The 25th is always filled with stress, bitter disappointment and, just generally, its a massive anticlimax.
The days before are always so happy. People hustling and bustling around, trying to make peoples dreams come true. Putting up decorations and the general feeling of warmth, comfort and love fills the air.
I love shopping in the dark, all wrapped up with the only lights coming from the shop windows and the christmas lights put up around the towns.
What really makes Christmas special is making mince pies and sausage rolls with my Ma. It is something that we do together every year. It one of those moments I long for for most of the year.
Unfortunately, this year is a little different as I have a lot of uni work to complete before I head back down south on the 17th. So at the moment, I am a little bit stressed, but that will only last for another week or so and I will be able to focus on the 'Christmas spirit'!
I also don't have a lot of money this year. I have only bought one present so far, and I intend to make the rest and really utilise my baking skills!
I think that New Years is also sorted, and that it will be as good as last year: beautiful simplicity.
I think that the reason why I love 'the season' so much is that it is celebrated all over the world, everyone having a good time, and getting stressed together. A sense of unity across the planet, where friends and families come together and share the celebrations.
Dont get me wrong though, I think that Christmas should only be celebrated in the month of December and NOT start in September.
I know that this post is erratic and a bit sad, but I am excited and craving to get my work done so I can really relish in the jolliness.
Its a happy time.

'Give me your hand and I'll hold it'

This weekend my father and his wife came up to see me. I haven't seen him for over a year and I dont know the last time I saw her.
I have been absolutely dreading the visit. I have always had a very rocky relationship with my father since I was old enough to realise what had happened between him and my mother, and I have never fully accept the fact that he has a new family and that they are now his priority.
However, this time I saw him it was completely different. I don't know why, but for the first time I found respect for him. I wouldn't say it was an absolute change of heart/mind, because the damage that has been done will take a lifetime to try and rectify. But I think it is because I am so much more mature that I could see that he was genuinely happy with his wife. That they really do love each other, and I respect that whole heartedly.
That was the good part of the visit. I found out that the rest of my family is even more messed up than I thought. And, once agin, I was kept in the dark. They really refuse to acknowledge that I am 20 and not 10. Every time they don't tell me something and I happen to find out by coincidence, it hurts. This whole perception that I need 'protecting from the trueth' is destroying my trust in the people that I should be able to. Its not protecting me, its doing the opposite.
Last night I felt completely alone. I wanted to tell someone, but for the first time I couldn't tell them because I felt ashamed (not sure why). I think that I could now, as I have digested it all, but the moment might have gone.
Today is a new day and, as always, I have just got to get on with it. If I stopped to dwell on everything that had happened I would never move on and would probably start going backwards! As I always say: Shit happens, life moves on.
I guess there is a positive from all this. Realising that my dad is happy now that he has found love has confirmed to me that love is a very precious gift. One I am very lucky to have.

'People Help The People' - Birdy

Food Issues

Since I got back from my week away (almost 3 weeks) I have had to plan all my meals and snacks because of having very little money. At first it was good knowing what I was eating, knowing what I had to buy, if anything, for that week.
However I have had the same foods over and over again. The lack of variation in my diet is really getting to me, and I can't do anything to change it until this weekend, and even then I have to plan all my meals again because it is only 3 weeks until I go home for Christmas.. Its just got totally ridiculous!
The thing is is that I find it really difficult not having control of what I am eating. Normally I would plan purely for that day to know what I was eating and when. It is a trait that worries my mother and all of my good friends because it is an anorexic tendency, but having lost all that weight, and gaining all that confidence (!), I just dont want to go back there and I fear that if I don't control what I eat that I will just get fat again.
I am in no denial that I have food issues because I do. I try to stick to having carbs once a day, I weigh out a lot of my food, I try and only have 2 snacks in a day..... I know it is not good, but habits are so hard to break.
I have gotten much better than I was. At my worst, about 2 years ago, I would eat less than 1000 calories a day, try and reduce it day by day, and if I didn't I would eat even less the next day to try and balance it out. It was easy to do as my mum was working all day and so wouldn't be there to watch me. I did get busted, which I am so grateful for, and I would NEVER go back there again.
I would love to have a massive bowl of pasta and not worry about it. Or go and get a takeaway without not eating much the next day, but I find it so hard. I sit in my house and look enviously at what my flat mate is eating without a care in the world.
There really are only a couple of people who I feel that I can let go with, but even then I will never loose all of the control.
I know that you might be reading this and thinking to yourself 'Just eat, its not that hard! Stop being so fussy....' But its not that simple. I really do try, and as you can see, I used to be a whole lot worse. I know that I have an alright figure and that I don't really need to worry about what I eat becasue I go to the gym on a regular basis, but I do. I always will, but not as much as I might do now/or have done.
I know that this post has taken a different direction to what it started out as, but I think that it important for me to say it and admit that I still have some definite issues of food.
This is not a trait of mine that I want to accept, this is something that I want to change.

My Apologies

I know that my posts have been some what boring of late. I can't really explain why, but I can guess that it because I am at uni and nothing really THAT exciting has happened.
And its not going to get any more exciting either.
If you are following me on Twitter, you would of seen me tweet (a lot) recently about the Assignments I have in at the end of term. I have 3, to be exact, and they are in for the 29th of this month and the 8th and 13th of next month. They are all HUGE. I have know about them since the start of term, and the largest of the 3 I could have been working on since then. But I haven't. I have left it all until I have only a month to do all of them. My own fault really.
Also, I spent a huge amount of money last week, too much to be disclosed, that I now can't afford to go out for the next 3 weeks. I guess this is good, because it means that I can work more effectively. But still. I do actually like having the small social life that I have! Makes me actually want my father to come and visit so he can take me food shopping...
However, I would not have spent any less last week. I had an amazing week, seeing old friends, making new ones and spending time with person that I love. Shame I was ill for the start really, but hey ho, can't have it all!!
I had an odd conversation with a good friend last night that threw me a bit. He asked me about my relationship with Him and I told him that we knew where we stood with each other and it was too hard to try and explain further, but our 'situation' was good. My friend then went on to say that guys don't like damaged goods and that the right person for me is just around the corner whilst reminding me that Uni is about finding myself. Right. Interesting. So I told him that actually I was really happy actually just being by myself and not having to worry about it. He then persisted that the right one was around the corner and that will be ok. He just didn't want to except the fact that I didn't want a boyfriend at the moment. In the end I just told him that if the right guy was just around the corner then he can stay there for the next few years (or something to that effect).
I really am happy being 'unattacted' and just enjoying being me. I honestly don't want a boyfriend. I'm all good.
So sorry again about the boringness and the lack of any drama, but I hope you understand why! But if something really exciting goes down, you lot will be the first to know.
Oh, if you havent tried it already, Brothers Toffee Apple Cider is EPIC. Just saying, and not promoting binge drinking in any way....

Song of the moment: 'Time' by Chase and Status.